Riding the Wave

I haven’t written a blog post in weeks – maybe even a couple of months. What’s that about? Well, I have been very busy! And that is good news.

In March of 2010 I was dragging and upset with the world because I wasn’t feeling good. This year I am so busy I can’t find time to sit still. I am really enjoying all of the activities I have going on in my life right now. The only problem is finding the time to do everything.

I am still following the food plan that I started on January 2, 2011. No dairy, no caffeine, no flour, no sugar. Shopping has been difficult and I have had a couple of close calls due to misrepresentation. I got all excited about Crystal Light having a new product that they were calling “Pure.” No artificial sweeteners. I was thinking that they were using stevia, but when I checked the package the first ingredient was sugar! A person has to be careful every minute.

People are telling me that I look healthy and happy and I have gone down a couple of jean sizes. It’s all working!

During the first week of April I went on vacation to Virginia Beach and Norfolk, Virginia. I lived there for 26 years and after being in New Hampshire for six years I was completely flummoxed by the traffic. I thought the turnpike between Nashua and Manchester was bad, but it has nothing on the expressway between Norfolk and the Oceanfront of Virginia Beach. I swear that two motorcyclists passed me doing at least 90 miles an hour while weaving in and out of traffic.

All that traffic didn’t slow me down though. I managed to see almost everyone who wanted to see me and who I wanted to see. I spent a couple of days walking in the Norfolk Botanical Gardens with my best friend, Barbara, had dinners with Laura and Chris, Deb, and Grace, walked in First Landing State Park with Peggy, and spent time on the beach with Suzanne and her kids. I also visited the shelter where I used to work and saw all the wonderful work that is being done there. I was so grateful to see Donna, Willmers, and Fran and the new stainless steel refrigerator in the shelter kitchen. I had wanted one of those for years and Fran had managed to find the money to get one!

I also was able to sit under my favorite tree in the world. It is an oak tree in the Norfolk Botanical Gardens under which I have sat with most of the people that I have loved. I have also spent a lot of time meditating there and I was grateful to see it still standing. I also managed to get some great photos of one of the eagles who have been nesting in the gardens.

The day after I got back from vacation I was at the Bike Barn in Manchester picking up the bicycle I had on lay away all winter. I managed to ride ten miles that first day and another seven the next. It felt so good to be back on wheels. I used to ride a lot back in the 80s and early 90s and I find it is like meditation for me. It clears my mind. When I was a teenager (and going through all the angst that is involved in those years) I used to get on my bike and ride for miles much to the dismay of my parents. One Saturday afternoon I got on my bike in Superior, WI, where I was in college, and rode the 50 miles to the town where my parents lived. Only one person knew what I was up to and she wasn’t going to tell anyone. I ended up at my Uncle Tiny’s bar and he loaded my bike in the back of his truck and took me the last three miles to my parents’ home. There was one last hill I didn’t think I could make before dark. It didn’t dawn on me until years later how much terror that had caused in my uncle and my parents. It had been less than two years since my favorite and beloved Uncle Elroy had been killed while riding his bike just three miles away from his home. This was a man who had ridden his bicycle the full circumference of Lake Superior and then died so close to home. I think I have a lot of him in me and I miss him to this day.

The week after vacation I came down with a stomach virus that had me down for at least six days. I managed to get through yoga teacher training weekend without a relapse but didn’t really feel I was going to live until the weekend was almost over. In fact, it was about 2:00 on that Sunday afternoon that I lay back on my yoga mat and said “I feel better!” I couldn’t believe it. It had happened in an instant. The only problem was that my appetite came back with a vengeance. Isn’t that how it always works?

Then I had String Camp at the music school for three evenings this week. I was so glad I was feeling better because I really wanted to get a taste for what it would be like to play chamber music with other musicians. It was wonderful. I managed to make a few contacts that could lead to playing in an ensemble this fall. The best part, though, was the concert on the last night of the camp. Well, actually the best part was the Pre-Twinkles playing their violins. The Pre-Twinkles are three, four, and five year-olds who are take Suzuki violin lessons. They were so cute! They were all dressed up and had little teeny violins. One little girl even had a pink violin. There was one little boy, though, who had stage fright and ran off to his mother as soon as they started to play. They did very well, though, considering, for most of them, it was their first time playing in front of an audience.

I have had a couple of people comment on what a nice life I have. It is true. I do. I worked long and hard to get here and there were a lot of really bad years. I have had jobs that were precarious, homes that were shaky, relationships that were iffy, and a lot of time spent wondering if life was ever going to get better. It has. I also know that life is like riding a wave. Sometimes I am on top of it and other times I am slammed face down in the sand. I am going to enjoy riding this wave as long as it lasts.

A Closet Introvert Surviving in an Extrovert World

Whenever I call myself an introvert someone usually laughs and says that there is no way I can be an introvert. I don’t even want to begin to guess how they would describe me, but the only other people who understand what I mean are other introverts.

The difference between introversion and extroversion doesn’t necessarily show up in public. I knew an over the top extrovert once (she was my supervisor many years ago) and she drove me crazy. Stella was the type of person who wanted everyone to join in on everything and had very few boundaries. She admitted that she got her energy from being around people. That was so true. She was sucking us dry. By the time I finished an hour in her presence I felt like I had been wrung out and left to dry. In addition to being an extrovert, she had significant control issues. The combination is deadly.

I am the type of introvert who can flip a switch and turn on in front of a group of people. If you put a microphone into my hand I turn into Oprah. But that isn’t an introvert, you might say. Well, if I do that more than an hour or two, I end up exhausted and just want to be alone. Don’t get me wrong. I like people. I just like them in small doses. Most of my friends know that I need to go places in my own car so that I can escape as soon as possible. Being dependent on someone else for a ride makes me extremely anxious. I have to be able to leave when I am ready to. The above mentioned Stella once required me to go on a harbor cruise for the agency holiday party. I tried and tried to get out of it, but she almost threatened my job if I didn’t go. I was miserable. Being on that boat meant I couldn’t leave when I had used up my sociability. And being forced to go had already left my sociability tank close to empty.

Small talk requires effort. Some people are able to do it well. I don’t. When I was a child I was more than likely in my room or in a corner with a book when relatives showed up. I was often sullen. I can still pull off sullen but realize that it is pretty immature. Instead, I just put on my social face and have an escape plan. For this reason, I have only a couple of friends who know me well. And they will tell you that it took effort on their part to break through my wall. My best friend, Barbara, told me once that after she had met me at the church we were attending she knew she wanted to be friends. She told her husband that it was hard because I was out the door as soon as possible when service or other events were over. It took time, but the friendship has endured for over ten years.

The positive part of being an introvert is that I really like being in my own company. I am rarely bored due to a multitude of projects I have going at one time. Today was a great example. I had a long week. I worked six days in a row and spent most of each day with groups of people or working one on one with trauma survivors. I had to be “on” a lot this week. This morning I got up and started doing some projects and soon realized that I was having such a great time that I didn’t want to go out at all. If the sun was shining I would have liked to have gone for a walk. However, the last thing I wanted to do was be around other people. I like that aspect of myself. I am comfortable by myself. Being home alone gives me the opportunity to re-charge so that I can be “on” for the rest of the week.

I am grateful that I am not so introverted that I can’t get out. I do like being social but know my limitations. I would hate to be held captive by my own anxiety or shyness. I experienced those feelings years ago. Now, though, I have less fear and more contentment. As my confidence has increased I have become more social. Maybe someday I will be a flamboyant old lady who enjoys wearing red plaid scarves and purple sneakers while dancing down the street. That would be fun. But I would still need an escape plan!

Miss “No Maintenance” Tried to Step It Up a Tad

I just need to vent about my morning.

I woke this morning to blue skies and sun. It is March 1^st and there is a promise of spring on the calendar in twenty more days. My mood was a little better than yesterday when I suffered from weather crankiness from sliding through ice and slush. It was a miserable day of “wintry mix”, my most hated type of weather.

In honor of the new month, I decided to step it up a little. I am basically a “no maintenance” woman. It takes me all of fifteen minutes to shower, dress, brush my teeth, and comb my hair. I rarely wear make-up and I prefer a no fuss approach to my naturally curly, independent minded hair. This morning I decided to take a little extra time.

I realized I couldn’t wear what I wanted to because most of my clothes were in the washer. I had forgotten to put them in the dryer last night, leaving me to forage through the closet for a pair of slacks that fit and weren’t covered in cat hair. Boo has found the box on top of which I have stacked extra comforters and she loves to hide there now and then when I am cleaning or playing the cello. I don’t usually object but this particular spot is right underneath the hangers that hold my slacks. All of my slacks have cat hair on the waist and the bottom of the legs. Sort of reminiscent of the awful look of the 60’sand 70’s when we would sew extra fabric on the bottom of our high water jeans, except this looks more like a feather boa wrapped around the legs and waist. Not pretty. Actually, pretty fugly.

After removing as much hair as possible, I got dressed and then looked in the mirror. I was aghast. Bozo the clown with salt and pepper hair was looking back at me. I plugged in the curling iron – which I have only used once before – and, while it heated,I decided to put on makeup. Don’t get too excited, all you high maintenance women out there. My makeup consists of some moisturizer topped with some bare minerals and nothing else. No mascara. No lipstick.

I wrapped a towel around my neck to catch any stray powder and cursed myself for deciding to do this after I was dressed. As I was cursing, I accidentally flicked the makeup brush in the wrong direction, covering the right arm of my sweater in bare minerals. Oy Frikkin’ Vey. I swear I could hear the universe laughing at me. Boo ran from the bathroom. She had been watching this all and must have sensed that things were not going as planned. I cleaned up, finished applying the makeup, and then proceeded to tame my frizzy halo. I managed to do fair work and decided that it was all worth the effort. I looked like a confident, professional woman. A step up from my usual.

I put on my shoes. These days I am more about function than form when it comes to shoes. I know woman who walk around on icy streets in stiletto heels while I prefer a nice simple Merrell loafer that has good traction on ice. One of my goals for this winter has been to not fall down and those shoes are my ticket to survival. So off I go looking pretty good from my knees on up.

I walked out the door and the universe had a party at my expense. By time I got to my car, the 20 mph hour wind gusts returned my hair to its original state. I swear that the birds were even laughing at me.

The next time I decide to step it up, it will be 65 degrees and there will be no wind. Any warmer and I am in danger of sweating the makeup off. Much colder and it just isn’t worth it.

I think I like being “no maintenance.” After all the bitchin’ about my hair this morning, I called for an emergency appointment with my hair stylist and I now have a cut that I just need to run my fingers through. I will save any intense hair management for Boo. She deserves it for all she has to put up with.

Making Changes! Spring Cleaning In and Out

I am in the midst of re-organizing my life on many levels and I have often found that the outside is a reflection of what is going on inside. Here is a summary of what has been going on so far ---

The food changes I have made are still in place and every time I am slightly tempted to partake of some poison I am reminded of the benefits of the choice I made to be gluten, sugar and caffeine free. I had a moment of disappointment when I went to see Dr. Jane on February 8^th. I had only last five pounds since I last saw her on November 30^th. I felt as if I had lost so much more and I couldn’t understand why it was only five pounds. Fortunately I took a breath and had a long talk with myself.

My Buddha voice: “Linda, my dear. Right after you saw Dr. Jane in November you went on a full on all out crazy sugar and flour binge that lasted for a full month. You ate every cookie, donut, bagel, whoopie pie, pumpkin pie, and Christmas candy that crossed your path.”

My whiney, bitchy voice: “Yeah, so what does that have to do with anything. I was having my last big blow out before cutting out everything. Every addict does that.”

Buddha voice: “Well, my point, dear one, is that you probably packed on ten pounds in December from your little month long party. Hence, the major hangover the first two weeks of January. You probably lost a total of 10-15 pounds in January but ten of those were pounds that didn’t even exist when you last saw Dr. Jane.”

Less whiney and bitchy voice: “Well, that not only makes sense, it makes me feel a lot better about it all.”

Now I have all this renewed energy and I have found that I am overdoing it. A lot. My next lesson is moderation in my scheduling. After crashing and burning a couple of times, I have new guidelines when scheduling both my work and home life. First of all, only one evening work obligation per week. I have had weeks when I was on the road and didn’t get home until after 9 and then had to be to work the next morning more than once. And, when possible, if I work late, I make sure not to schedule anything early the next morning. My new mantra for scheduling is “if I can do it without affecting my health, then it is a ‘yes’.” I am also going to try very hard not to say “yes” to things right away. I need to step back and evaluate before making the final decision. It is better to say “no” at first than having to cancel at the last minute because I am too worn out to travel.

Over the past week I have started re-organizing the outside. Last weekend I did the kitchen. It made a big difference and I am very pleased with how it turned out. Yesterday I made a long haul to IKEA (will not do that again – no effin’ way!) and got a new bookcase to use as an altar and a workstation to set up as a desk. I am currently sitting at a too small table and feel very crowded. This morning I re-organized the closet to hold my yarn stash and art supplies and built the bookcase/altar. I already have more room to spread out for yoga and I can see that the new desk is going to fit nicely. However, I am not going to put that together today. I need to relax for the rest of the day. Oh, I may still load up the car with the first of what I think may be three trips to the recycling center this week, practice my cello and practice yoga, but I am not going to make myself crazy by trying to finish this re-organization project today. I can do it all, but not today! That is what taking care of my self is all about.

All this may sound a little selfish, but I know that when I show up for myself, I am more likely to show up for others.

A Week Away and Still Going Strong - There is No Place Like Home (even if it is cold and snowy)

It is a wickedly windy Sunday morning here in New Hampshire and I am very glad to be here. It was a long week and even though I had gloated via Facebook about my trip to Clearwater Beach, Florida, I really prefer being home. The conference was on addictions. It was full of wonderful information that validated the work that I do, but the days were long, the chairs were uncomfortable, and I really only ended up with an hour each day to spend on the beach. I had one afternoon during which I walked and then rented a bicycle. I also got some great pictures of sunsets and pelicans.

One of the hi-lights of the conference was the chance to meet Joan Borysenko whose book I reviewed in my last post. I told her how much I appreciated her book and she was very gracious and warm. She comes across in person exactly how she does in her books. She gave a keynote on the mind/body connection and a smaller workshop on resiliency.

It was tough, but I did manage to stick to my food plan for the week. I had to pack my protein powder for breakfasts as the conference was only providing a continental breakfast. Continental breakfasts are a joke. Just coffee and pastries to get you all jacked up before the speakers start. There wasn’t a grocery store anywhere near where I was staying, but the pharmacy across the street had just gotten in some fresh fruit the day I arrived. I gladly loaded up with bananas, pears, and apples to supplement my breakfast.

When I checked in I asked the hotel clerk if there was a vegetarian restaurant nearby and she said that most of the restaurants had vegetarian items on their menus but there were no vegetarian or vegan restaurants. She recommended the Clear Sky Café, about 5 blocks from the hotel. That ended up being a good choice and I ate most of my meals there for the next four days. In order to get the protein I needed I ate plenty of fish (something I don’t normally do, but I did not want to eat beef or chicken) and the salad and veggie choices were great. My favorite was the Ahi Blacken Tuna Nicoise Salad. It had artichokes, hearts of palm, tuna, fresh salsa, spinach, cucumber, and seaweed with a great ginger dressing. I think I had that three or four times. I found out I really like seaweed salad. Yummy! I have to admit, though, I did have “pizza envy” one evening. There were a few people at the café eating what looked like an excellent pizza and all that melted cheese tested my resolve. Fortunately, I resisted.

I have noticed that, since I stopped eating sugar, everything else has so much more flavor. I am amazed at how much I am enjoying fruits and vegetables and I have even enjoyed some carrots as long as they were mixed with other vegetables. And, if you know me, you know that I really have a strong aversion to carrots. Blah!!

I am pleased. As of today I have been off of sugar, flour, dairy, and caffeine for five weeks. I hadn’t really meant to go this far without the dairy and caffeine, but now it seems to be such a good thing that I am going with it. I am going to see Dr. Jane on Tuesday and I am hoping to see some good results on the scale. If not, I will be okay because I know that I feel better and that as soon as all this snow goes I will be back on the hiking trails. I also have a new bicycle on lay-away that will get picked up as soon as the roads are clear.

Last year at this time, I was miserable. I felt like I was 70 years old and I had a medical provider who did not understand that I was not ill because I was depressed, but that I was depressed because I didn’t feel well. The progress I have made over the past year, especially since last May when I started seeing Dr. Jane, has been wonderful. The right health care provider makes a great difference. I may not necessarily be slimmer but I am now on the right path and expect to see even greater changes over the next year.