Changing Seasons and Blowing Noses

It’s the last day of my favorite month. The vivid reds, oranges, and golds have changed to russet browns. The leaves will soon be off the trees and I will be waiting for that first scent of snow in the air and the morning when I wake to find the trees have all been dressed in white lace.

The first two weeks of the month I was on vacation and the last two weeks have been spent blowing my nose, taking my temperature, and alternating between shivering between the blankets and wiping sweat from my brow. I don’t know if it was the common cold, an upper respiratory infection, or the flu. All I know is that it has been a “wicked pissah” and I am in fear of my nose falling off. There isn’t a trash can in the house that isn’t overflowing with tissues. Boo stopped sleeping with me after the second night because as soon as she would settle in I would start sneezing or coughing. Her indignant meows expressed her impatience with human frailties and she found other sleeping arrangements at the other end of the apartment.

I haven’t been able to knit as much as I would like or write. Cello practice has been non-existence. Who can hold a cello and bow, concentrate on music, and sneeze and blow their nose at the same time? I doubt that even Yo Yo is able to make accommodation in his practice for a runny nose and a hacking cough.

Sleep has become my refuge. If my body said sleep, I obeyed. Two, three hour naps prevailed. I reveled in them. I have always been afraid that a good long nap would interfere with my night sleep but that has not been the case. If anything, it has enhanced it. When I was able to get in a full day of work without the nap, I was only able to get a few hours of sleep.

Thursday night I was in bed and feeling relaxed. I did not have any anxiety. The little gremlins were not sitting on my comforter and I felt ready to drift off into blissful sleep. Then the switch was flipped and my mind started a party. I entered this world of stream of consciousness nonsense that kept me awake until three in the morning. Here is a sample”

“I wish I had emptied the dishwasher before bed. It would be nice if I had a housekeeper. Not one of those people who comes in a couple of hours a week, but a Mr. French, a Rosie, a Hazel, an Alice. Wait. Do single middle aged women ever get those? Has there ever been a television show where a single middle aged woman has a housekeeper? It is always men or families. I guess we should be able to do it all ourselves. And I am not middle-aged. I was middle-aged at 35 or 40. There is no way I am living to 110 so I am not middle aged. Oh, I have yoga tomorrow. I need to make sure to take my mat. And I want to call for a massage. And there is a report on the internet I want to read. Yoga, massage, report. Yoga, massage, report. And what would I want a housekeeper to do if I had one? Let’s see – empty the dishwasher, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking. That’s getting expensive. ……………………………” I think there was a period when I was comparing Disney princesses and their wicked stepmothers. I go there sometimes because I find it weird that Disney killed off all the mothers and replaced them with wicked stepmothers. What is that about? I digress. You get the drift.

My mind went on like that until I got up at 2:30 and put in a load of clothes, placed my yoga mat by the front door, and read the report on the internet. My mind had finally sufficiently tired to allow sleep. The next two nights, however, were spent dealing with coughing. I finally gave in and bought some over the counter medication to help with nighttime coughing.

Now, let me talk about the neti pot. I don’t mind using it. I understand the theory behind its use. But when my sinuses are so inflamed that it feels like hot acid being poured up my nose I have to stop. Any suggestions out there? I am using tap water – should I change to distilled? I am getting a little shy about using the pot because of the pain but I really think it would help.

That is how I am transitioning to the winter. A great vacation followed by a knock you off your feet illness. I have a tendency to want to hibernate as it is and starting out with an illness has set the precedent for the rest of the winter.

Dr. Jane is firmly suggesting the use of a therapy light. With my lifestyle, she suggests I use the therapy visor that I can wear anywhere (ubetcha!! I am going to wear that puppy in public. Sure.). Since Dr. Jane’s advice has not failed me so far I am going to purchase either the visor or the desk lamp before the end of November. Her prescription is to sit in front of 10K Lux for one hour a day before 10 a.m. That should help with my seasonal depression and my sleep issues. She also recommended regular massages. Have I mentioned how much I love my doctor!!!

Happy Samhain!!! Happy Halloween!! Blessed Be!

P.S. I didn't ask permission to use my sister's picture of her dressed as the Evil Queen. I hope she doesn't mind.

Mindfulness Vacation in Maine

On Thursday morning I drove up to Denmark, ME via Conway, NH and Fryeburge, ME to spend a couple of nights at a retreat called Nurture through Nature in Denmark, ME. I knew I was going to love it as soon as I saw the Tibetan Prayer Flags strewn from tree to tree.
My goals were to be quiet, free from technology, spend time meditating and reading, hike high enough to get some fantastic views and enjoy some time practicing yoga.




My cabin was very easy to find and I found it very welcoming. I unpacked my gear and took a quick walk up the hill behind my cabin to check out the compostable toilet. I was fascinated by how the own of the retreat center has managed to build a completely environment friendly and sustaining center that is 100% off the grid. There are solar panels in front of the meeting house and all water comes from either mountain springs or the brook. There is even a hydro plant set up for electricity on the brook. In the spirit of conservation, I did all my cooking and heating of water on the wood stove in the cabin. However, I did use the drip coffee pot for my morning brew. I didn't have the patience for the water to boil.











After settling in, I checked out the trail maps that were left for me on the dining table and I set out on a short hike to the brook. After all of the rain we had last week the brook was running very fast and I heard the roar of the water over rocks before I came to the water's edge. There was a meditation island and I took time to sit and enjoy the sounds of nature.

















I returned to the cabin and spent time in the hammock reading and looking up at the trees and sky.

At 3:00 I had an individual yoga session with Jen Deraspe, the creator/owner of the retreat center. She has been leading retreats and expeditions in Maine for at least eight years and has an obvious love, compassion and sense of stewardship for the land. For more information check out the website at http://www.ntnretreats.com/index.html

After the yoga session, Jen helped me get my wood stove started and I heated up my soup for dinner. I was feeling the need for a shower and my options were to either heat up water and take a sponge bath or experience the joy of an outdoor shower. Always up for an adventure, I threw a couple extra logs on the fire so the cabin would heat up and then took off my clothes and wrapped myself in a sheet. I ran from my cabin to behind the meeting house where there was a shower set up. It was a shower that ran from a spring and, yes, it was outside. I turned on the water and yelled as the cold water hit my chest. For some reason, though, it felt fantastic and I managed to clean up and feel refreshed. I wrapped back up in the sheet and ran back to my cabin where the woodstove had heated it up enough to feel great after my cold shower. Yahoo!! I was clean, warm and dry! I spent the evening reading and tending the fire, star gazing and waiting for a moose to walk by the cabin.

The next morning I was up with the sun and spent some time in meditation at the picnic table. While I was meditating I heard footsteps coming down the path. When I turned it was Raja, the other yoga instructor at the center, and one of the directors on the retreat board, Moe. Moe is a lovely little white dog that appears to think that he the land is his own personal playground.

I had another yoga class at 9:00. That was a little more intense than I am used to and I realized that I need to take more structured classes. I need to join my local yoga studio and take at least two classes a week so that my posture is checked and so that I push myself past my comfort zone on a regular basis. The yoga studio was wonderful. On the second story of the meeting house all of the windows looked out on the fall foliage and the blue sky. A very sacred place.




After yoga, a lovely woman by the name of Patty was there to do foot reflexology. She set me up in one of those lovely anti-gravity reclining chairs as she sat on the picnic bench and worked on opening some of my energy blocks. Yowza and Ouch!! But even with the pain it felt great. She worked on my feet for an hour and I was amazed to see that as she worked on my energy there was a large cloud above us that was breaking up. It was wild. The cloud was coming from the west but as the edge came to just above us, it would dissipate and/or break off into small clouds. By the time Patty finished, the cloud was completely broken apart and gone. I told Patty it was her wonderful work and that I now shall always refer to her as "Cloud Breaker."

After a quick lunch I put on my hiking boots and grabbed Harold, my walking stick, (see previous posts) and headed up the trail. And I mean up. I wanted to do a full loop around the 33 acres and I also wanted to get to an altitude that would open up to some views. After trekking up a winding trail I came to an area covered with wild blueberry bushes. There were signs reminding me to stay on the trail as the area was fragile and I did my best to do so. I also saw a medicine wheel that had been set up and many cairns led my way. I regret that I knocked one over when I sat on the larger rock on which the cairn had been built. I did have some magnificent views of the White Mountains and the lakes in the region.
















I made it to the property line and after hearing some rifle shots I decided to stay on the protected land and avoid the possibility of being shot by some two legged carnivore. The trail took me back down to the mountain brook and I wandered back and forth over rocks and wooden bridges as I made my way back down to the trail leading to my cabin. I felt great.


I spent some more time in meditation after the hike and prepared for my sauna steam bath.















The sauna was built near the brook and is in the shape of a yurt. Half of it is the preparation room and the other half is the steam sauna. Jen had the fireplace lit and the rocks were hot. She gave me my instructions and two buckets of cold water from the brook and left me alone to enjoy my private sauna. I spent a few minutes in the sauna/steam and then would step out to drink some water and cool off and then go back in. I did this a few times and then poured water over my head and washed my hair with castille soap and the cold water from the brook. Again, in and out, making sure to drink plenty of water, and then finally rubbed myself down with the soap and rinsed off with the cool clear mountain water. Yahoo!!! Exhilarating!! Jen heard me yelling and came down. She laughed at me because she said the water did not need to be cold, but I found it absolutely wonderful and wouldn't have had it any other way. I felt great.

I went back to the cabin and found Harold resting.

That evening I spent reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book, Going Home - Jesus and the Buddha as Brothers, that I found on a shelf in the cabin. It was so good I spent the evening reading indoors and out, star gazing, reading and taking notes. I finished the book before I fell asleep.

The next morning I rose at the crack of dawn and spent the couple of hours before yoga mindfully cleaning the cabin, packing up my gear, and meditating. I had a guest and I was careful to be sure not to disturb him as he sat on the cooler on the porch. I have probably walked by hundreds of these while hiking but this one stayed on the cooler the whole morning and visited with me. His message to me was that it is okay to just sit still and be in the moment.

My last yoga class was at 9:00 with Raja and fortunately Jen had warned me that this class was going to be much more intense. I made up my mind to listen to my body and do only as much as I could and not push too far. I limited the downward dogs as my shoulders were sore and found other postures to do when the other participants were doing advanced balance poses or should stands. I worked up a tremendous sweat and still felt great.

I said my goodbyes and packed up my car, swept out the cabin and porch, and made one last trip up the hill. I already know I will return next October.

Why Yoga is So Important to Me

Yesterday’s hike knocked a few things out of alignment in my body. Between the arthritis and the muscle aches, I woke up feeling like Gumby tied in knots. I know when I feel that way the only thing that is going to help is to listen to my body and today it was screaming “YOGA.”

I am very aware that I do not look like someone who does yoga. In fact, when I was going through the line to request a body, I thought the angel said “Surprise me?” when actually what was being said was “Super Size?” I said “Sure”, hoping that the surprise would be what eventually became Angelina Jolie’s body, but no. I have large feet, large hands, and a large body. If I really had wanted anything different I should have been born into a different family. We all are of strong, solid and big stock.

With that said, you can imagine that I look nothing like someone who does yoga. I don’t have the lithe, sinewy body that bends into exotic shapes and I have never stood on my head. I don’t think I ever was able to put my foot behind my head. However, even though I leave some yoga postures to those less endowed women, I have found my place on the mat.

When I wake up feeling like Gumby after a cage fight, I sit on my mat and follow my body’s instructions. First, I breathe. Sounds elementary, but conscious yoga breathing focuses energy, calms the central nervous system, and detoxes cells. Breathing does more to cleanse our system that any other action. The first thing we ever do is inhale and the last thing we will do is exhale. Every breath in between is important and should never be take for granted.

I have a few set postures that I do, but I find that if I just listen to what my body needs then I eventually work out the kinks. I have a few DVDs that are excellent, but being mindful of my body is the most important part of my routine. I have to make a few adjustments due to my size but find that I am much more flexible than a lot of women who are smaller than I am. I believe that yoga has reduced the pain and stiffness that comes with having arthritis. I have also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia in the past, but that diagnosis no longer seems to apply and I think yoga has significantly helped in reducing my pain. I have lately been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and many of the postures, along with Qi Gong, energy work, and supplements, are helping me feel better each day.

My time on the mat is also time with Boo, my lovely charmingly chubby cat. She comes running as soon as she hears the mat unfurl and she is with me through each posture. She has taught me that taking time to pet her is an integral part of the mindfulness of yoga.

The most important part of yoga for me, though, is that it has changed my relationship with my body. I know longer think of it as a necessary vehicle that is separate, but it is now a part of my whole and needs my attention in order to keep it maintained. Yoga helps keep my body and breathe connected to my spirit.

I am seriously considering becoming a yoga instructor next year. I would love to work with other women of size and teach them the value of listening to their bodies and the joy of movement. I also would love to incorporate more yoga into my work with trauma survivors. More and more research is coming out each month about the significance of yoga and other forms of movement in calming the area of the brain responsible for the flight, fight and flee responses to trauma. It is my hope that more yoga instructors will take trauma informed yoga training and work with survivors.

Yoga also helps me, at least for 30 minutes a day, feel like a skinny women. I don’t notice my size while I am on the mat. I just move. I just breathe. I just am.

The Healing Power of the Woods

I love the woods. I love to be out amongst the trees. I have a goal of hiking as many trails as I can find with a 20 miles radius of my home. Yesterday I did part of the Heritage Trail on the Merrimack River.

This morning I decided to hike at Carter Hill Apple Orchard. I have wanted to hike the trail for a week or two but didn’t want to do it on a weekend when there were a lot of people. It is less than five miles from my home and this morning was a little rainy but still a perfect fall day for a hike.

The owners of the orchard recently built an observation deck and this is the prime time of year to falcon watch. A man was on the deck with high powered binoculars and said he had seen a peregrine falcon this morning. I had to take his word for it. I was impressed with how far I could see. My pictures do not do the vista justice because of the cloudiness of the day, but I enjoyed the view.

The hike started at a small pond next to the orchard. I did some Qi Gong and yoga to warm up my limbs and get my energy lifted before heading into the woods.

As I walked in the woods I thought about how easy it is for me to understand the earth religions that embrace nature as a pantheon. The wind through the trees was like a thousand voices singing as one and the creak of a fallen tree rubbing against its neighbor invited me to pause to listen for a message. I often feel that trees are welcoming and extend their energy to humans who share their love of the forest. A copse of trees provided full body Reiki as I passed through.

The trail led back to a gate to the orchards and I picked a bright red apple to eat as I walked along. The trail offered many views of the area.

When I got back to the orchard store, a young man was just finishing preparing a batch of apple cider donuts. I watched as he loaded the dough into the hopper and the rings of dough fell into the fryer. I asked him if I could have the first six to come off the rack and he dusted them with sugar before handing them over. They were a perfect ending to a great hike.

This is the first real day of my vacation. I will be spending three days in Maine but the rest of the two weeks will be spent here in New Hampshire. There really isn’t anywhere else I would rather be this time of year.

I am a little concerned about having two weeks to myself. I haven’t had more than a few days off of work since I went to Nepal and Tibet three years ago. I usually find myself to be anxious after four days and find it difficult not to check my work email. This time, however, I think I can ride the anxious period through and be able to rest, enjoy the outdoors, and spend time with family and friends.

Hitting Speedbumps and Things That Go Boom in the Night

The summer has eased into fall and life goes on. I wish that I could say that I have been following my wellness plan perfectly but I seem to have come across a couple of bumps in the road. Pumpkin Whoopie Pies was one of them. Another was a bad bout of allergies that made me think I was relapsing back into how I felt last winter.
Here is what I have learned – no matter how I feel, yoga always makes me feel better. And – if I don’t feel well enough for a long walk a short walk will still do me good. I was feeling like a really bitch the other night. I mean, I could’ve chewed nails and spit them across the room at anyone who said a cross word to me. Really. It was so bad that I was exceedingly grateful I live alone because if someone had crossed my path it would not have been pretty.
I took a walk. A good one. It made such a difference and I was back to the edge of reason rather than far beyond it There is a lot to be said for just putting one foot in front of the other. Or over your head – if you are doing yoga.
I have been writing more and that is thanks to semi-regular writing challenges with Denise D. We set a time and word goal and off we go to see who can reach 5000 words before the other. That has resulted in an extra 15000 words for me in the past few weeks and a lot done on my novel. I don’t know about Denise’s process of writing but I tend to wait for the characters to speak to me and then I write down their story. They are filling me in with bits and pieces of their lives and more is coming as they trust me. The story revolves around a group of women who have experienced abuse of one type or another. There is also a seven year old boy who is telling me his side of the story as we go along. He is starting to trust me more so I am now in the process of sorting out where he is and where he is going to end up.
I know that it sounds a little strange but that is my process. There is a little bit of me in each of the characters but there is so much more also. A couple of them are managing to be a little more successful in relationships than I ever could be, so I guess I am also living a little vicariously through my characters.
Whether or not it ever gets published I just hope that whoever reads it finds something of value in the stories.
Tomorrow I will be the mother of a thirty three year old son. I can’t believe he is that old. He is such a good man and is dealing with the struggles of raising four kids in a bad economy. He is well loved by his wife and kids and I think that is a gift in itself.
Today I am off to Chicago again. After the last trip I am looking forward to it. I am already planning on having dinner at the great vegan restaurant, Karyn’s Cooked, I found last time and then relaxing before two long days of meetings. I am grateful for the direct flight to O’Hare and also for the ability to take a taxi rather than a shuttle. Taking a taxi should take some time off the trip to the hotel. I am also exceedingly grateful for the hotel. The Sofitel. Oy Vey!! Classy joint! I might even be able to take a tub at the end of the day before crawling into the most comfortable bed on the planet.
It will be two days of meetings before flying back on Tuesday evening but it will be exciting to hear what other people who are engaged in trauma work with domestic violence survivors are doing. It is always good to network.
My bags are almost packed and I even stuffed my knitting in. I have gotten this whole travel thing down. I know which shoes to wear to get me through security faster, what not to pack, what I can live without, and how to keep it down to one carry-on and a messenger bag.
I was going to take a hike this morning and then remembered that I will be walking in airports today and to dinner tonight. O’Hare airport is its own walking trail. My plane will be landing at the end of one concourse and it will be a long haul to the taxi stand. And then it is about 7 blocks or a half mile walk to the restaurant. I have already Mapquested my directions.

http://www.karynraw.com/Cooked/



Oh, I almost forgot. We had an earthquake here in New Hampshire last night. I was awakened by a big shake around 11:30. I thought someone dropped something big upstairs or that it was a sonic boom. I thought “hmmm, I wonder if that was an earthquake.” And then I rolled over and said “Nah, couldn’t have been.” But there it was on the front page of www.concordmonitor.com this morning. The epicenter was only about 5 miles north of my apartment and it was measured at a magnitude of 3.1. It didn’t even knock pictures off the wall so I didn’t get too concerned.

Wellness Update – 25 pounds gone!!!

I am in somewhat of a celebratory mood. I stopped by Dr. Jane’s office today to pick up some supplements and check my weight. I lost another 4-5 pounds in the past 20 days and realized that this makes a total of 25 pounds lost since the middle of May.
So why is it that I am only in “somewhat” of a celebratory mood. I think I have a hard time accepting the gifts I receive and I tend to list off “buts” like a list of sins. But I have had a few too many sweets lately, but I am tired a lot again, but I haven’t been playing the cello again like I should, I should do more weight training, I should write more.” Yes, I am also really good at “shoulding” all over myself.
I am thrilled with the loss of the 25 pounds even though it is 25 pounds I have lost before. See – I did it again and even avoided using the word “but”, but we know it was implied. I know this means that I am making good progress and even though I wish I could snap my fingers and be four sizes smaller right now this is a good progression. Not too fast. It means I am losing fat and not muscle. I have even bought some smaller clothes and the shorts I have been wearing this summer are ready to fall off. I even had a hard time keeping my sandals on today because my feet have lost some weight. And – people are noticing. I have been told I look thinner, have a glow, and seem healthier. I appreciate that because I can rationalize and fool myself into believing anything and often need some input from others. If I don’t get it, I am more than likely to stop for an ice cream or take an extra portion of something.
I will now say it – GOOD FOR ME!!!! WOOHOO!!
Enough of that. I am tired. I have learned that feeling better is only temporary if I get carried away and do way too much. That will bring on a relapse of adrenal fatigue and I think that is what happened after a very busy June/July/August. I felt so good that I went forth like a thirty-five year old and forgot to take it “moderato” as Dr. Jane would say. My balance was way out of kilter. Too much exercise and activity and not enough meditation and cello playing. I think some mild mania was in play, too. I was riding a high of feeling better and being able to participate in so many activities.
I forgot how important it is to include rest in my wellness plan. And when I forget, my body reminds me. My body is really good at letting me know when to rest and when to do some gentle yoga to work out the kinks and when I have eaten too much. I just don’t listen. Wait, I have selective hearing. I hear what I want to.
I commented to a friend the other day that self management of one’s physical, spiritual and mental being is a lot of work and hard to prioritize. It takes a lot of motivation, energy, self talk and willingness to accept support when offered and seek it when I really need it. I can’t imagine trying to do this with a husband and kids and a more demanding job than I have. I am blessed to work in a place that not only promotes and encourages self care but provides opportunities for it to happen.
I will continue on this path and realize, as my dear friend, the Rev. Pat Bessey, once said to me, “obstacles only need to be speed bumps and not brick walls.” Most of my speed bumps are self created by my attitude and I have the power to move past them. I just need to listen to my body and that inner voice that knows where I should go.