Soft Saturday Wakening

Soft rain woke me up this morning. I realized I wasn’t going to get in an early morning bike ride so I laid back and listened to the world wake up. Boo stretched out on my chest and purred, giving me “Kitty Reiki” to start my day. Blue jays, chickadees, and other birds I cannot name started a morning chorus with a quiet percussion of rain drops on the window. A rooster added his own refrain.

The world smells fresh and clean this morning and it appears that most of the heavy air of the almost 100 degree days of this past week has passed on. The sky is gray and threatening more rain.

I rose and meditated after starting lentils and quinoa for a salad I will finish later today. In a few minutes I will head out to a morning yoga class followed by errands and a much needed massage.

I don’t think that Saturday mornings get much better than this.

Calming the Committee

For various reasons, I learned very early that my mind is a pretty scary place to hang out. Not that I hear voices or see things or talk to dead people (not on a regular basis that is), but that I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to either dwelling on the past and/or fretting about the future. Anxiety occurred pre-puberty and has lasted well into adulthood.
When I was a teenager I discovered that alcohol and sometimes marijuana lessened that for me. It would calm me down long enough to slow down all the pinging and zapping and internal slapping that was going on. I didn’t drink much through my marriage but when things were really falling apart at the end I started a fifteen year binge in order to drown out everything that had gone wrong. Then I woke up.
My goal for the past ten years has been to find and use ways to calm down all that static. It hasn’t been easy. I didn’t need just one thing. I needed a whole tool box, somedays I even needed a full storage shed of things to shut down the committee that resides in my head. Here is what I have found:
1. Walking – particularly in the woods by myself. I love the smells, the sounds, the light dancing through the leaves of the trees. I feel at peace.
2. Playing music – whether I am playing drums, piano or my cello, I am transported outside of myself and by concentrating on the music I can bring that committee into harmony.
3. Knitting – it is a process for me. It is rarely about the finished product. Keeping my hands busy slows down my thoughts.
4. Painting, drawing, or other artwork – most recently I have found a book on coloring mandalas. I have set up the table with copies of the mandalas and my little basket of colored pencils and I will spend about a half hour a day coloring. Often it is even longer as I lose track of time easily when I am working on color blending.
5. Writing – either for this blog or other essays or the novel. It gets me out of myself and maybe even into the mind of a character I have made up. I can channel my own anxieties and fears in to my characters and sometimes even be able to leave those feelings there.
6. Yoga and other exercise - reminds me that I have a body and that when my body feels strong and pain free it is easier for me to be relaxed and happy.
7. Traditional mindfulness meditation – sometimes I chant, sometimes I am able to just sit and concentrate on my breath or an object. This works best after having done one of the above. My mind already needs to have started to slow down. I can’t go from 100 to zero without taking the time to slow things down gradually.
I hope you enjoy these mandalas. I make copies out of the coloring book onto heavier paper and then color. That way I can color the same mandala again in the future and use different color combinations. I included a picture of the book cover in case this is something you would be interest in.
Namaste!

Rolling My Eyes at the Medical Community

I think it is quite amusing that I was planning on writing a rant on my blog this morning about being sick, taking time off of work and the unresponsiveness of the medical community, but after doing my morning yoga and meditation I have lost the edge and have mellowed out enough to be a little more rational.
I am on my fourth week of feeling ill due to one virus or another. I am not amused. I wasn’t feeling well last fall due to something they were never able to define and now I seem to have had at least three bouts of viral infections. Part of my frustration is that I have been sick since I made a new commitment to wellness and healthy living at the beginning of the year. My friend, Barbara, says that how I am currently feeling may be a result of my healthier lifestyle. She says I should see my runny nose and tiredness as my body’s way of releasing all the old toxins and preparing to be healthier. Sort of “out with the old and in with the new.” Well, I must have had a lot of sludge that needed to be cleaned out because I am currently surrounded by piles of used tissues that are higher than the snow outside.
I am going to go with Barbara’s theory, though. Because it is one of hope and right now I need to have some way of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I took three days off of work this week to rest, recuperate and tend to my inner and physical self. I just need to balance it all. There is this fierce warrior inside of me that is trying to control the whole situation. I see her. She is dressed like Xena and slinging her whip around and saying “let’s move on. You have three days to feel better. Drink that water. Do that yoga. Meditate. Come on.” The mere fact that I have that voice telling me that I have a timeline to be 100% better informs me there are some deep seated control issues going on in me that I was previously only faintly aware existed. I need to remind myself to take everything in moderation and I will be better soon.
Going to the doctor on Monday morning was an experience. I was scheduled for my annual physical so the fact that I was also going in with an upper respiratory infection was a bonus. The nurse took one look at me and said “I wasn’t expecting a cough.” I found myself apologizing for bringing it with me. I didn’t think I needed to cancel a doctor appointment because I was sick. Just didn’t seem right. But the nurse seemed a little upset that I was not the “annual exam” she thought I would be. I guess I didn’t have a name. I was just an “annual” or a “cough”.
Then the ARNP managed to push a few buttons. She focused on my depression rather than the fact I have felt ill for most of the past few months. She encouraged counseling. I rolled my eyes. I flat out told her that I was depressed because I didn’t feel well. She asked me if I realized how many good things I had in my life. She reminded me I was lucky to have a job in this economy. That voice inside my head starting screaming – “Yes, and I love my job. And I would love to be able to do it full time, with energy and not having to deal with being sick all the frikkin’ time!!” As a trauma specialist I should give her due for asking me questions about my life and past trauma but I have been in therapy for those things and if I went to a counselor right now all I would need to talk about is the fact that no matter how I try to advocate for myself with the medical community they do not listen to me. (Oops, there is the rant I thought I was going to be able to avoid.) I have a really good life right now but do not feel physically able to enjoy it. She is not understanding that.
I have left a message for her to call me today so that I can do two things. 1) Apologize for rolling my eyes at her - that was juvenile. 2) Let her know that I don’t feel she is listening to me and appears to have some preconceived notions based on my history. She probably won’t call until the results of my blood work are in and by then I will have calmed down and won’t really want to deal with her.
I do have an appointment with a naturopath medical doctor. I made that appointment last October and it isn’t until May. I am on a list if there is a cancellation. I hope someone cancels soon. I am really ready to try something different. Traditional western medicine does not seem to be the answer.
I have to give credit to my chiropractor and my yoga instructor. I feel better structurally and I have lost a few pounds. I have less back pain, no knee pain and I feel that as soon as I can breathe again I would be able to enjoy a good walk. I would even like to get a bicycle. And I think that the yoga, the adjustments and the physical therapy all helped with the issues I was having last fall. I am hoping the naturopath has some other suggestions. I am willing to try acupuncture, hyperbaric treatments, and any other sort of non-invasive treatment that could help. I want to be the busy, active person I was five years ago when I was hiking parts of Mt. Monadnock every weekend. Spring is coming. I am going to Santa Fe in April and would like to enjoy it.
I guess the bottom line is that I am a little frustrated. I am doing all I can here (except cutting out chocolate and we know that isn’t going to happen) and I don’t feel the medical community is willing to be a partner with me in managing my health. I am also frustrated that medical insurance does not see the value in complementary treatments and that I would have to pay for acupuncture or other treatments out of my own pocket.
Here are my goals for this week. Take everything in moderation. Do what I know works – yoga, meditation and short walks and laughing and talking with friends.
Note: Just as I was finishing writing this I got a call from the ARNP’s office. It was the nurse. She wanted to know what I wanted to talk to the ARNP about. I told her I had hoped to talk to the ARNP personally because I wanted to apologize for something and to also talk to her about a couple of things. I was told I would have to make an appointment as the “doctors” don’t usually make phone calls to patients. I said I would pass and that I would discuss it the next time I was in to see her for something. I guess I will continue to feel as if I am not being heard by my medical professionals. I guess I need to meditate again. I already had some laughter therapy by calling my friend, Barbara, and letting her know about the latest. A little short walk will probably do me good, too. Oh – and I no longer feel the need to apologize for rolling my eyes.