Telling on Myself - Looking for the Middle Way

It is one of those mornings when the sun is shining so brightly through the patio windows that it shows off every bit of dust and dirt in the living room. I don’t have the energy to really care about it this morning. Doing the laundry and putting dishes in the dishwater is about as much as I can do right now. I need to save my energy for making the bed.

I am trying to find a way to say this with as little self judgment as possible. Let’s just say that things did not go according to plan this week at all. Yoga fell to the wayside as I dealt with a cold that had me off my feet for three days, I haven’t touched my cello in two weeks, and I haven’t been as careful with my food as I would have liked. Being ill usually throws me completely off the wagon but it could have been much worse.

There was a part of me that wasn’t going to blog on this today but then I thought – “Hey, this is what got you started in the first place and if you stop writing about it you might as well go out and buy a McD’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter Ice Cream.” So here I am presenting my human condition to the blogging world in hopes that it will re-inspire me to get back on the path to wellness. However, given how I am feeling today, that path may just lead to the couch with a book, dust bunnies surrounding me in the light of the sun. I am going to have to feel much better to even get to knitting group today and that, in my opinion, is tragic.

If there has been a theme in my life lately it is that life has its ups and downs and as long as I remember that nothing is permanent I will be okay. What I should also remember is that when I start to feel myself rising out of the ditch I should take it a little slower rather than trying to charge to the top of the rise to plant my flag. I was so grateful to feel better on Friday after three days of being miserable, that I charged through the day and activities and rose again on Saturday to do it all again. By last night I was starting to realize that there is a reason for moderation and the middle way. However, I never remember until it is too late and I am flat on my back again.

I love telling on myself. There was a point in my life when I was involved in all sorts of craziness and I realized that I was keeping secrets. I made a decision at the time that if I was doing something I couldn’t tell my mother then I shouldn’t be doing it. My mother didn’t know much about my life in my twenties and thirties but once I pulled it together she knew a whole lot more about me.

Another thing I have learned by telling on myself is that I am not alone!! It was so refreshing to call a friend last night and say, “Do you ever have times when you feel like you could just eat everything in the house?” and she said “Yes!” That felt so good. It stopped the momentum immediately. I just needed to tell on myself to someone who also understood. She had me laughing in a few minutes and I was able to go to bed without eating the bag of pita chips that was sitting on the kitchen table.

For today, I will move a little slower, give myself a little credit for realizing that downtime is necessary and rest. The laundry will get done and I may wipe down the kitchen counter. Food will be less of an issue today as my stomach appears to be rejecting any input. Later, if I feel like I can get down on the floor without falling asleep, I will do some gentle yoga just to be kind to my body. There is no need for me to rush anywhere today, so I will spend the day being mindful of what my body and spirit needs.

Going to Cowgirl Up!

I am feeling a little disappointed by the medical community and am going to have to cowgirl up and take a more active role in the management of my health. Posting to this blog regarding this journey is going to be a way of being accountable and tracking my progress.
I have a few health problems. Morbid obesity is the number one problem and is probably the main contributing factor to how I feel. However, I also have clinical depression and sometimes it is hard to determine which came first. I have experienced both for most of my life and there appears to be a significant genetic factor.
This is not meant to be a confessional where I reveal my bad habits and how my life has been affected by my excesses. Out of the two issues of obesity and depression, one is highly visible and the other is probably suspected by a number of folks who have known me for a while. Any other details will be saved for my memoirs.
After trying to get help from the doctors regarding pain and a number of other issues, I am feeling a little done with Western medicine. After running up a big bill for medical tests I am no further along than I was before. I think that my error came in believing that the tests would find something medically wrong with me, the doctors would give me a pill or perform a surgery, I would feel better and life would miraculously improve. It’s not happening and I am still in pain, still depressed and still very fat.
The real corker for all of this is that I am not uninformed. I have books about nutrition and health and have read them. I have talked to nutritionists and tried a number of diet plans and support groups. I am full of information and I think it is time for me to get down and dirty and actually apply some of that knowledge and learn more about myself in the process.
Here are the challenges –
1) The depression reduces my motivation at times but I find once I get moving I am glad I did so.
2) The extra weight I am carrying seems overwhelming and will take months to years to disappear if I take care of myself properly. I have lost large amounts of weight quickly before and gained it back even faster so I know the trap of the quick weight loss schemes.
3) I have a couple of medical issues that make walking difficult for me. To be blunt – I usually have to pee a couple of times during a walk and there isn’t always a place to do so. And, I have heel pain after walking for a while.
4) I have a sugar addiction that usually manifests as cravings for chocolate and breads.
5) I live alone and am only accountable to myself.
Here are my strengths –
1) I have knowledge of nutrition and holistic/allopathic medicine.
2) I love yoga.
3) I use mindfulness techniques and other practices (cello, writing, knitting) as means of relaxing and reducing stress.
4) Except for my health, I have few stressors in my life. My job provides healthy stress, I live in a stable home, I have a cat, and I have a car that runs well.
5) I have supportive close friends.
6) I see my wonderful chiropractor, Dr. Sam, once a week and the pain has been greatly reduced over the past six months of weekly adjustments.

Here are the current changes –
1) I have recently decided to try being a pescetarian by cutting out meat and eating fish at least two to three times a week. That has cut out the morning run to McDonald’s for sausage biscuits and increased my vegetable intake.
2) I have started a Yoga for Weight Loss class and am going to work on incorporating yoga into my daily routine.
3) I have an appointment with a Naturopath/M.D. in May but am on a waiting list to go in if there is a cancellation before then.
4) I am not taking any pain medication other than Ibuprofen as needed.
5) I don’t drink, smoke or hang out with people who do.
6) I am using mindfulness meditation and yoga nidra regularly to manage any symptoms of anxiety.
Here is the plan. I will maintain the current changes, continue to research new things, consider advice, and report back on how it is going. I will be gentle with myself by continuing to search for my strengths on those days when I somehow miss the mark.
At 53 I don’t have many choices. I can’t afford to get older if it means more and more medical bills. I am not going to enjoy the next 20-30 years if I don’t feel better. And I don’t think I can count on anyone else besides me to get this under control. Contrary to what you see on television and the internet, there is no magic formula for losing weight and feeling better. If there was, there wouldn’t be so many varieties of dietary aids out there.
I am not going to lie about this. I am scared. I have tried and failed at this endeavor many times but I have also not always given it my full attention. I don’t want to experience the disappointment of failure again. Each time I lose weight I gain back even more and I gain it back faster than I lost it. There is a lot at stake here and I find myself discouraged every day by the long road ahead of me. I think I knew this day was coming. I have run out of choices and I need to take responsibility.