I am feeling a little disappointed by the medical community and am going to have to cowgirl up and take a more active role in the management of my health. Posting to this blog regarding this journey is going to be a way of being accountable and tracking my progress.
I have a few health problems. Morbid obesity is the number one problem and is probably the main contributing factor to how I feel. However, I also have clinical depression and sometimes it is hard to determine which came first. I have experienced both for most of my life and there appears to be a significant genetic factor.
This is not meant to be a confessional where I reveal my bad habits and how my life has been affected by my excesses. Out of the two issues of obesity and depression, one is highly visible and the other is probably suspected by a number of folks who have known me for a while. Any other details will be saved for my memoirs.
After trying to get help from the doctors regarding pain and a number of other issues, I am feeling a little done with Western medicine. After running up a big bill for medical tests I am no further along than I was before. I think that my error came in believing that the tests would find something medically wrong with me, the doctors would give me a pill or perform a surgery, I would feel better and life would miraculously improve. It’s not happening and I am still in pain, still depressed and still very fat.
The real corker for all of this is that I am not uninformed. I have books about nutrition and health and have read them. I have talked to nutritionists and tried a number of diet plans and support groups. I am full of information and I think it is time for me to get down and dirty and actually apply some of that knowledge and learn more about myself in the process.
Here are the challenges –
1) The depression reduces my motivation at times but I find once I get moving I am glad I did so.
2) The extra weight I am carrying seems overwhelming and will take months to years to disappear if I take care of myself properly. I have lost large amounts of weight quickly before and gained it back even faster so I know the trap of the quick weight loss schemes.
3) I have a couple of medical issues that make walking difficult for me. To be blunt – I usually have to pee a couple of times during a walk and there isn’t always a place to do so. And, I have heel pain after walking for a while.
4) I have a sugar addiction that usually manifests as cravings for chocolate and breads.
5) I live alone and am only accountable to myself.
Here are my strengths –
1) I have knowledge of nutrition and holistic/allopathic medicine.
2) I love yoga.
3) I use mindfulness techniques and other practices (cello, writing, knitting) as means of relaxing and reducing stress.
4) Except for my health, I have few stressors in my life. My job provides healthy stress, I live in a stable home, I have a cat, and I have a car that runs well.
5) I have supportive close friends.
6) I see my wonderful chiropractor, Dr. Sam, once a week and the pain has been greatly reduced over the past six months of weekly adjustments.
Here are the current changes –
1) I have recently decided to try being a pescetarian by cutting out meat and eating fish at least two to three times a week. That has cut out the morning run to McDonald’s for sausage biscuits and increased my vegetable intake.
2) I have started a Yoga for Weight Loss class and am going to work on incorporating yoga into my daily routine.
3) I have an appointment with a Naturopath/M.D. in May but am on a waiting list to go in if there is a cancellation before then.
4) I am not taking any pain medication other than Ibuprofen as needed.
5) I don’t drink, smoke or hang out with people who do.
6) I am using mindfulness meditation and yoga nidra regularly to manage any symptoms of anxiety.
Here is the plan. I will maintain the current changes, continue to research new things, consider advice, and report back on how it is going. I will be gentle with myself by continuing to search for my strengths on those days when I somehow miss the mark.
At 53 I don’t have many choices. I can’t afford to get older if it means more and more medical bills. I am not going to enjoy the next 20-30 years if I don’t feel better. And I don’t think I can count on anyone else besides me to get this under control. Contrary to what you see on television and the internet, there is no magic formula for losing weight and feeling better. If there was, there wouldn’t be so many varieties of dietary aids out there.
I am not going to lie about this. I am scared. I have tried and failed at this endeavor many times but I have also not always given it my full attention. I don’t want to experience the disappointment of failure again. Each time I lose weight I gain back even more and I gain it back faster than I lost it. There is a lot at stake here and I find myself discouraged every day by the long road ahead of me. I think I knew this day was coming. I have run out of choices and I need to take responsibility.
Showing posts with label maturity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maturity. Show all posts
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Sunday, June 21, 2009
First post - Sunday Musings
Ahh. A blog. That would certainly throw me into the 21st century. My fear is that no one will find my blatherings interesting. And then, who am I to judge what others find interesting? I will just go on and write what is on my mind and let people decide on their own if my musings interest them.
Since I have few things that appear to always be on my mind I will probably be writing about my spiritual journey, aging, and how life just seems to be speeding up to the point that I can't keep up. Don't worry if you read this and I sound morose. The next time you come back I may be expressing sheer joy at the world and all that it has given me.
However, on wet and dreary days such as this I am mostly introspective. My thoughts are on where I am and where I have come from.
I am currently living in New Hampshire. It has been a long journey to get to this beautiful place. I have been in the Concord area for about a week and my concerns about moving closer to the city after living in the country for a few years have been completely removed. Concord is a little big town and I am only a few blocks from a goat farm, a mile from a wooded river, and I have the choice between a city drive or a country drive to get to most places. I choose the country drive even if it takes a little longer.
I am always hoping to see a moose. Moose seem to know when I am out and about and for that reason I have only seen two and both have been dead. I am armed only with a camera and when I see that first "live" moose I will post his or her picture for everyone to see and celebrate. Sometimes I am convinced that moose are completely mythical creatures, like unicorns and fairy folk. However, there have been times that I believed in unicorns and fairy folk so I suppose that a moose may grace me with his presence at some time.
This morning I drove to the UU church over the back roads. Everything is so vividly green from all of the recent rains that it took my breath away. I drove over hills and saw lush orchards and mountains. The other day I saw a mother turkey with her brood of babies near the side of the road. There must have been twenty of them and I wish I had stopped to get a picture.
It is the summer solstice. The day will be long and it is hard to imagine that it is supposed to be summer. The weather has been more Spring-like with abundant rain and dreary days. New Englanders love to garden and the flowers against the green of the landscape are a welcome sight on these cloudy days.
My life seems to be less about outer adventures these days. I was going to blame it on my body but I only really have myself to blame. Years of indulgence have taken their toll and I am working on trying to find that middle way. I do not like the effects of aging and it makes it worse that my habits have sped up the process. My knees creak and my hands fall asleep. I am working on eating healthier and seem to have been able to cut back on the emotional eating. I still have cravings for sweets but am less likely to binge on chocolate and allow myself a taste now and then.
I hate having an aging body when my brain still seems to function at the level of a twenty-five year old. Yes, there is some wisdom of age but I still have moments when I can behave with the immaturity of someone much younger. I was sitting in traffic on the main street of one of the larger NH cities the other day. The oncoming lane was empty of traffic and I had just passed the left turn I needed to make. I was five minutes late for a meeting and in my frustration I was seriously considering making an illegal U-turn right in the middle of the street. At just that moment, a city police car pulled up beside me. I took it as a sign to stay put, but the real reason I didn't do it was that I realized that I did not have the foolishness of youth as an excuse for bad behavior. How does a 53 year old graying grandmother explain to a police officer (probably half her age) why she did such an immature thing?
I seem to be a caricature of the middle aged divorced woman living alone in her apartment with a cat. Boo is beautiful and a wonderful roommate. However, to keep from becoming the crazy cat lady of the building, I am keeping it to just her and I, no matter how many people insist that I need another one. Boo seems to like being an only cat and we get along just fine.
Maybe I am thinking a lot about solstice this year because I realized a few years ago that I have passed the solstice of my life. I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I am not afraid of death, but after losing both parents to cancer I find I have become a little more of a hypochondriac. My mother died at the age of 69. That is only sixteen years away for me. If I look back to sixteen years ago I know that I have done a lot in just sixteen years, but at the speed at which life seems to pass me by these days I don't know if I really have a lot of time. I don't really fret about waiting for things to happen anymore because I realize that time moves so quickly that there is no reason to become impatient.
At church this morning, in the row behind me, were a group of women who had all come together from a retirement community. They were all in their nineties. I can't imagine living that long. They were absolutely lovely and appeared to be living full lives, but I just don't see it for me. I have a friend who does everything she can maintain her body, insisting that our bodies are not meant to age and die. When I hear that I almost cringe. Maybe it is just laziness on my part. I have found living to be very difficult at times (mostly due to my own choices) and I really don't need to drag this out much longer than necessary. I work very hard to participate on a daily basis, I have hopes and dreams for the future, plans for travel and watching my grandchildren grow, but there are things I don't want to face. I don't want to see any more friends die. I don't want to watch my grandchildren struggle. I don't want to lose my own mental capacities. I want to have my thought processes thoroughly intact until the moment I die.
It is this struggle of living that brought me to Buddhism. I spent some time in New Thought churches and found the affirmations to be self defeating at times. It is more important for me to find a way to live with the daily struggles of life without attachment to outcomes than it is for me to affirm a dream for the future. The more attached I am to outcomes the more I suffer. Being mindfully in the moment provides more comfort and satisfaction.
Over the past couple of years I worked for a mental health agency that appeared to be imploding for various reasons. I had five supervisors in two years and they each had a different management philosophy. The job market was tight and I was not sure what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go to another mental health agency since I knew that mine was not unique in its struggles.
When things appeared to be at their worse I found a book by Phillip Moffitt, Dancing with Life. It is about the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism and by reading this book thoroughly, and more than once, I was able to find what I needed to get through the struggles. I did not have the strength to affirm any sort of possibilities for the future, but I was able to use the teachings of the Buddha to understand that the best way to get through each day was to not attach myself to the outcomes, but to keep my emotional flame low and not allow it to flame up in anger, frustration, guilt, depression and fear. I had to just go with the flow of life and understand that as things come to a downturn they will also eventually improve. I needed to paddle my way through the rapids and stay with the canoe, staying in the moment and not looking too far ahead.
I made it through. It was not easy and, as I said before, there was some toll on my health. And there was a lot of good. I came out of it with good friends and the knowing that I am strong. I am now working in a job that suits my experience and talents at a program that appears healthy and strong. I did not go looking for it. It came to me at the point when I needed it most and I feel it was my reward from the universe for having made it through the past two years. The lesson needed to be learned in that environment. I couldn't have learned it otherwise.
I don't believe in a god that is interested in the day to day workings of my life. I don't have a personal relationship with a higher power. I find my strength in the support of others and in understanding that I have been able to make it through quite a bit in my life. I do believe in a greater force in the Universe that is a flow of love. I try to spend as much time in that flow as possible without expectations. It requires mindfulness on my part and a practice that includes the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Buddhism with a touch of earth based religions. I am a constantly evolving human being thankful for periods of rest.
Since I have few things that appear to always be on my mind I will probably be writing about my spiritual journey, aging, and how life just seems to be speeding up to the point that I can't keep up. Don't worry if you read this and I sound morose. The next time you come back I may be expressing sheer joy at the world and all that it has given me.
However, on wet and dreary days such as this I am mostly introspective. My thoughts are on where I am and where I have come from.
I am currently living in New Hampshire. It has been a long journey to get to this beautiful place. I have been in the Concord area for about a week and my concerns about moving closer to the city after living in the country for a few years have been completely removed. Concord is a little big town and I am only a few blocks from a goat farm, a mile from a wooded river, and I have the choice between a city drive or a country drive to get to most places. I choose the country drive even if it takes a little longer.
I am always hoping to see a moose. Moose seem to know when I am out and about and for that reason I have only seen two and both have been dead. I am armed only with a camera and when I see that first "live" moose I will post his or her picture for everyone to see and celebrate. Sometimes I am convinced that moose are completely mythical creatures, like unicorns and fairy folk. However, there have been times that I believed in unicorns and fairy folk so I suppose that a moose may grace me with his presence at some time.
This morning I drove to the UU church over the back roads. Everything is so vividly green from all of the recent rains that it took my breath away. I drove over hills and saw lush orchards and mountains. The other day I saw a mother turkey with her brood of babies near the side of the road. There must have been twenty of them and I wish I had stopped to get a picture.
It is the summer solstice. The day will be long and it is hard to imagine that it is supposed to be summer. The weather has been more Spring-like with abundant rain and dreary days. New Englanders love to garden and the flowers against the green of the landscape are a welcome sight on these cloudy days.
My life seems to be less about outer adventures these days. I was going to blame it on my body but I only really have myself to blame. Years of indulgence have taken their toll and I am working on trying to find that middle way. I do not like the effects of aging and it makes it worse that my habits have sped up the process. My knees creak and my hands fall asleep. I am working on eating healthier and seem to have been able to cut back on the emotional eating. I still have cravings for sweets but am less likely to binge on chocolate and allow myself a taste now and then.
I hate having an aging body when my brain still seems to function at the level of a twenty-five year old. Yes, there is some wisdom of age but I still have moments when I can behave with the immaturity of someone much younger. I was sitting in traffic on the main street of one of the larger NH cities the other day. The oncoming lane was empty of traffic and I had just passed the left turn I needed to make. I was five minutes late for a meeting and in my frustration I was seriously considering making an illegal U-turn right in the middle of the street. At just that moment, a city police car pulled up beside me. I took it as a sign to stay put, but the real reason I didn't do it was that I realized that I did not have the foolishness of youth as an excuse for bad behavior. How does a 53 year old graying grandmother explain to a police officer (probably half her age) why she did such an immature thing?
I seem to be a caricature of the middle aged divorced woman living alone in her apartment with a cat. Boo is beautiful and a wonderful roommate. However, to keep from becoming the crazy cat lady of the building, I am keeping it to just her and I, no matter how many people insist that I need another one. Boo seems to like being an only cat and we get along just fine.
Maybe I am thinking a lot about solstice this year because I realized a few years ago that I have passed the solstice of my life. I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I am not afraid of death, but after losing both parents to cancer I find I have become a little more of a hypochondriac. My mother died at the age of 69. That is only sixteen years away for me. If I look back to sixteen years ago I know that I have done a lot in just sixteen years, but at the speed at which life seems to pass me by these days I don't know if I really have a lot of time. I don't really fret about waiting for things to happen anymore because I realize that time moves so quickly that there is no reason to become impatient.
At church this morning, in the row behind me, were a group of women who had all come together from a retirement community. They were all in their nineties. I can't imagine living that long. They were absolutely lovely and appeared to be living full lives, but I just don't see it for me. I have a friend who does everything she can maintain her body, insisting that our bodies are not meant to age and die. When I hear that I almost cringe. Maybe it is just laziness on my part. I have found living to be very difficult at times (mostly due to my own choices) and I really don't need to drag this out much longer than necessary. I work very hard to participate on a daily basis, I have hopes and dreams for the future, plans for travel and watching my grandchildren grow, but there are things I don't want to face. I don't want to see any more friends die. I don't want to watch my grandchildren struggle. I don't want to lose my own mental capacities. I want to have my thought processes thoroughly intact until the moment I die.
It is this struggle of living that brought me to Buddhism. I spent some time in New Thought churches and found the affirmations to be self defeating at times. It is more important for me to find a way to live with the daily struggles of life without attachment to outcomes than it is for me to affirm a dream for the future. The more attached I am to outcomes the more I suffer. Being mindfully in the moment provides more comfort and satisfaction.
Over the past couple of years I worked for a mental health agency that appeared to be imploding for various reasons. I had five supervisors in two years and they each had a different management philosophy. The job market was tight and I was not sure what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go to another mental health agency since I knew that mine was not unique in its struggles.
When things appeared to be at their worse I found a book by Phillip Moffitt, Dancing with Life. It is about the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism and by reading this book thoroughly, and more than once, I was able to find what I needed to get through the struggles. I did not have the strength to affirm any sort of possibilities for the future, but I was able to use the teachings of the Buddha to understand that the best way to get through each day was to not attach myself to the outcomes, but to keep my emotional flame low and not allow it to flame up in anger, frustration, guilt, depression and fear. I had to just go with the flow of life and understand that as things come to a downturn they will also eventually improve. I needed to paddle my way through the rapids and stay with the canoe, staying in the moment and not looking too far ahead.
I made it through. It was not easy and, as I said before, there was some toll on my health. And there was a lot of good. I came out of it with good friends and the knowing that I am strong. I am now working in a job that suits my experience and talents at a program that appears healthy and strong. I did not go looking for it. It came to me at the point when I needed it most and I feel it was my reward from the universe for having made it through the past two years. The lesson needed to be learned in that environment. I couldn't have learned it otherwise.
I don't believe in a god that is interested in the day to day workings of my life. I don't have a personal relationship with a higher power. I find my strength in the support of others and in understanding that I have been able to make it through quite a bit in my life. I do believe in a greater force in the Universe that is a flow of love. I try to spend as much time in that flow as possible without expectations. It requires mindfulness on my part and a practice that includes the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Buddhism with a touch of earth based religions. I am a constantly evolving human being thankful for periods of rest.
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