The Mindful Cowgirl

The next step on this journey towards a healthier me is mindfulness. I approach each day as a to-do list, always living in the next step rather than the one I am currently taking. It is time to slow it down a bit.
Mindful eating is the first key. I eat 2-3 meals a day while sitting at the computer. Up until I stopped eating those McDonald’s biscuits every morning I was eating 1-2 meals a day in the car. My dining table is more of a repository of the day’s mail and my tote bag than it is a place to sit and enjoy a mindful meal. I watched my cat, Boo, this morning. She is a perfect example of mindful eating. She focuses completely on her dish of salmon and gravy with only an occasional turn of her head to make sure that I am not going to step on her tail. When she is done, she cleans her face and paws and goes over to the patio window to check out the birds and squirrels in the trees. She does not insist that I move her dish over to the window so she can be entertained while she dines. She eats first. I realize you may think she does not have the ability to tell me that she wants her dish moved, but, believe me, she made it quite clear this morning that she was not going to let me brush her anymore unless I used the brush she nudged with her nose rather than the one I had in my hand. She is one smart cat and I plan to learn a lot from her.
Mindful eating consists of removing any distractions and focusing completely on the food. Each mouthful is to be chewed until it is completely soft and almost liquid. It is not to be washed down with water, soda, or coffee. Water and other liquids tend to dilute the enzymes needed for good digestion. Therefore, it is best to drink a glass of water 15-30 minutes before eating and then another glass 15-20 minutes after. Putting lemon in the water is a good idea and it is also good to drink it warm or hot. Another key is to put the spoon or fork down between each bite and not pick it up again until the food has been completely chewed and swallowed.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS????? This morning I got up and did yoga first thing as it has been suggested that yoga be done on an empty stomach. By the time I had breakfast made I was ready to gobble it down. I sat down at the table and started to eat. I wasn’t perfect, but more about the nonjudgmental stance later. I wasn’t always conscious of putting the fork down or chewing thoroughly. However, I found that I felt full faster and did not eat all that was on my plate. If I had been at the computer I would been in auto mode and it all would have been gone before I knew I was full.
The hardest part of this is staying in the moment. Without the distraction of the computer, my to-do list was running through my brain. Brush Boo, clean litter box, vacuum, wipe down the kitchen, fold laundry. My mind was running amok and raising havoc with my mindful eating. What do I do then? I bring myself to the moment and try very hard not to judge myself for having diverged from the plan. If judgment becomes a big part of this journey I will judge myself as a failure before a week is out.
As I was doing yoga this morning I was able to spend some time being mindful of the sensations in my body. I could tune into discomfort, make adjustments, listen to my body and move on to another pose that would release any tension. Occasionally my mind would go back to the to-do list and or to writing this post in my head. Working mindfully, I was able to bring my attention back to my body. I am in this current state of health because I did not listen to my body and it is time to honor all it has done for me by being mindful of its needs. It needs me to pay attention.
I have not always been mindful of my body’s needs. One of the reason my health has gotten to this point is that I took it for granted. I have always been a large woman but it hasn’t really slowed me down until the last two years. I was always able to still do a lot of physical activities that other people of my size would have found too strenuous. Unfortunately, it was like driving a car very hard for a lot of miles without attending to the regular maintenance. I am worn out and I can’t trade myself in for a new model. This is what I have and I need to listen to what it needs in order to help it last for the rest of the trip.
The next challenge is to apply this all to the work day. The hardest part will be the adjustment to my morning routine of eating my breakfast at the computer (or in the car). I plan to eat lunch away from my desk and without distractions. And when I do reach for a piece of chocolate, I will eat it slowly and mindfully.

Going to Cowgirl Up!

I am feeling a little disappointed by the medical community and am going to have to cowgirl up and take a more active role in the management of my health. Posting to this blog regarding this journey is going to be a way of being accountable and tracking my progress.
I have a few health problems. Morbid obesity is the number one problem and is probably the main contributing factor to how I feel. However, I also have clinical depression and sometimes it is hard to determine which came first. I have experienced both for most of my life and there appears to be a significant genetic factor.
This is not meant to be a confessional where I reveal my bad habits and how my life has been affected by my excesses. Out of the two issues of obesity and depression, one is highly visible and the other is probably suspected by a number of folks who have known me for a while. Any other details will be saved for my memoirs.
After trying to get help from the doctors regarding pain and a number of other issues, I am feeling a little done with Western medicine. After running up a big bill for medical tests I am no further along than I was before. I think that my error came in believing that the tests would find something medically wrong with me, the doctors would give me a pill or perform a surgery, I would feel better and life would miraculously improve. It’s not happening and I am still in pain, still depressed and still very fat.
The real corker for all of this is that I am not uninformed. I have books about nutrition and health and have read them. I have talked to nutritionists and tried a number of diet plans and support groups. I am full of information and I think it is time for me to get down and dirty and actually apply some of that knowledge and learn more about myself in the process.
Here are the challenges –
1) The depression reduces my motivation at times but I find once I get moving I am glad I did so.
2) The extra weight I am carrying seems overwhelming and will take months to years to disappear if I take care of myself properly. I have lost large amounts of weight quickly before and gained it back even faster so I know the trap of the quick weight loss schemes.
3) I have a couple of medical issues that make walking difficult for me. To be blunt – I usually have to pee a couple of times during a walk and there isn’t always a place to do so. And, I have heel pain after walking for a while.
4) I have a sugar addiction that usually manifests as cravings for chocolate and breads.
5) I live alone and am only accountable to myself.
Here are my strengths –
1) I have knowledge of nutrition and holistic/allopathic medicine.
2) I love yoga.
3) I use mindfulness techniques and other practices (cello, writing, knitting) as means of relaxing and reducing stress.
4) Except for my health, I have few stressors in my life. My job provides healthy stress, I live in a stable home, I have a cat, and I have a car that runs well.
5) I have supportive close friends.
6) I see my wonderful chiropractor, Dr. Sam, once a week and the pain has been greatly reduced over the past six months of weekly adjustments.

Here are the current changes –
1) I have recently decided to try being a pescetarian by cutting out meat and eating fish at least two to three times a week. That has cut out the morning run to McDonald’s for sausage biscuits and increased my vegetable intake.
2) I have started a Yoga for Weight Loss class and am going to work on incorporating yoga into my daily routine.
3) I have an appointment with a Naturopath/M.D. in May but am on a waiting list to go in if there is a cancellation before then.
4) I am not taking any pain medication other than Ibuprofen as needed.
5) I don’t drink, smoke or hang out with people who do.
6) I am using mindfulness meditation and yoga nidra regularly to manage any symptoms of anxiety.
Here is the plan. I will maintain the current changes, continue to research new things, consider advice, and report back on how it is going. I will be gentle with myself by continuing to search for my strengths on those days when I somehow miss the mark.
At 53 I don’t have many choices. I can’t afford to get older if it means more and more medical bills. I am not going to enjoy the next 20-30 years if I don’t feel better. And I don’t think I can count on anyone else besides me to get this under control. Contrary to what you see on television and the internet, there is no magic formula for losing weight and feeling better. If there was, there wouldn’t be so many varieties of dietary aids out there.
I am not going to lie about this. I am scared. I have tried and failed at this endeavor many times but I have also not always given it my full attention. I don’t want to experience the disappointment of failure again. Each time I lose weight I gain back even more and I gain it back faster than I lost it. There is a lot at stake here and I find myself discouraged every day by the long road ahead of me. I think I knew this day was coming. I have run out of choices and I need to take responsibility.