Book Review - Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.

I have been under the weather the past couple of days and was fortunate to have Fried by Joan Borysenko at the top of my reading pile. Dr. Borysenko used the social network, Facebook, to gather input from her Facebook Friends (FBFs) to write about people’s experiences with burnout. By combining the input of the FBFs with research about burnout she was able to give a comprehensive view of the experience of burnout and the possibilities that come with surviving the experience. The information she provides would be extremely helpful to anyone working in the field of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Dr. Borysenko uses the allegory of Dante’s Inferno to map the progression of burnout from the descent into hell to the rise to Paradise. In the first chapter she provides the stages of burnout with the first stage being “Driven by the Ideal” and the last stage as “Physical and Mental Collapse.” I was extremely affected by the quote she provided from Thomas Merton’s Letter to an Activist which I think is very applicable to the work we do in our work to end violence against women and children.

“Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially apostiolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself.”

In this first section on the stages of burnout, Joan Borysenko provides writing exercises to help determine where a person may be on the continuum. In other chapters she addresses the “depression industry” that fails to recognize the effects one’s life history and prefers to medicate symptoms rather than address trauma and grief and may have actually done more harm than good. I found this section particularly interesting.

Dr. Borysenko also discusses the Adverse Childhood Experience studies of Dr. Vincent J. Filletti and outlines how childhood experience effects out ability to maintain our physical and mental health. She also encourages the use of McClelland’s Thematic Apperception Test and the Meyer’s Briggs to determine temperament and how one responds to stress. It was not necessary for me to take the TAT to know where I would fall and I found it helpful in validating the work I currently do. Dr. Borysenko recommends the use of such tests as a means of finding out whether or not one is working in a situation that will lead to increased risk of burnout.

Dr. Borysenko’s wisdom and stories from her own life are beautifully intertwined with the wisdom of the FBFs that she invited to participate in discussion regarding burnout and the revival that occur once a person makes the journey from Hell to Paradise and the recognition that we can let go and move one to a new life with even greater excitement and productivity.

I hope readers will find this book as wonderful as I did. I plan to refer to it often

I will end with a quote Dr. Borysenko included by John Milton (from Paradise Lost): “The mind is its own place, and in itself I can make Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”

Riding the Waves

I woke up tired, achy and a little cranky this morning. Sunday morning is my writing time and I was ready to just toss it aside for a little pity party on the couch when I realized that this is what it is all about. It is doing what I always tell others to do when they are not feeling up to participating in the world – just take one step and see what happens.
So here I am, at the computer and writing again. It is already helping. In the rooms of Twelve Step programs they tell you to HALT. In other words, don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I can certainly identify with all of those. There was an evening this week when I was tired. I was feeling a little lonely and I was hungry. Even though I had perfectly healthy food at home that just needed to be reheated I started to feel the pull to the convenience store. I think the “convenience” is that they conveniently keep a person from eating healthy and provide the convenience of plenty of beer available so a person doesn’t have to drive so far when they go get their second 12 pack of the evening. Fortunately I am long past the latter but the former still causes my car wheels to turn on too many occasions.
It was a fight to the finish. I wasn’t sure I was past the temptation until I was actually in my apartment, changing out of my work clothes and the left over stir-fry was heating in the microwave. Here is the dilemma, though. The healthy food helped with the hunger but there was still some angst going on in me that was hard to satisfy. If there had been chips and dip or ice cream or cookies in the house I probably would’ve eaten them. You see, for someone like me, food is not about filling the stomach and feeding the body. Unfortunately, it has a lot to do with filling the emotional emptiness and sometimes it is difficult to figure out what will do the filling in lieu of the sugar or the crunchy/salty.
I am in the process of learning more about depression and the darkness of the soul. One of the things that struck me during this process of growth and investigation is that we all experience it. It is a part of our human existence and we all have our own ways of dealing with the darkness. For some it is food, for others it may be drugs and alcohol, overwork, affairs, lying in bed for hours or manic creativity. It could be crossing the line of balance and over exercising or becoming compulsive about cleaning or keeping things we feel we may need in the future. I have seen all of these things in my own experience, in my family and in those people that have sat in the chair opposite of me in therapy. We all seem to be trying to find our way out of some emotion to the person, thing or action that will fill up that empty space.
I was listening to Pema Chodron’s talk on Unconditional Confidence the other day and heard her tell the story about how when she was first a nun her mentor, Trungpa Rinpoche, told her that life was a series of big waves. He told her that it was like standing in the water and having a big wave come and crash so hard you found yourself face down in the sand and struggling to stand up again. As soon as you stand and feel some balance, the next big wave came along and the whole process starts all over again. A lot of what we do in life has to do with trying to hold off that next big wave and that is impossible. The wave is coming. It is a part of life. The best we can do is to put our energy into taking care of ourselves during the time that the wave has gone back out to sea so that maybe we are stronger when it hits.
Depression comes in when we start to feel that we just want to stay down in the sand and not even bother to get back up. We want to pack up our bags and leave the beach. We want to bawl like a baby and scream at the waves. Some religions tell us that if we just ride out the waves with faith that we will eventually reach a glorious place where we can sit on the beach and bask in the sun and not have to deal with the waves any more. Since I have already self disclosed so much I might as well go ahead and say that I no longer can believe in a God that would be as cruel as to bounce us around in the surf with the promise that if we behave according to his will we will receive our reward. Instead I believe that we already have that peace within us that we can access at any time through meditation and breath work. I just have to remember to go there.
We know it exists. Other people have been able to access it in the midst of their pain. Without being able to rise above the waves of despair and find that holy place within Abraham Lincoln would never have been able to be president and take the country through the Civil War and write the Emancipation Proclamation. Great music would never have been written or played, poetry would have been lost, and books would never have reached the printed page. It gives me solace to know that the things that have given me the most comfort in my times of sorrow and pain have been created by people who have suffered their own pain and have found their spark within the darkness.
I know that I suffer the most when I am resisting that next wave. If I am future tripping by worrying about my son or his wife or my grandchildren getting sick, a friend dying, losing my job, or being diagnosed with a major illness, I am spending all my energy on fighting against the inevitable pain of life when I can be using that energy to enjoy the moment I am in and nurturing the light that will carry me through the darkness of that next wave. The key is to remember that the light exists. I was reminded just by sitting down and writing this morning.

The Mindful Cowgirl

The next step on this journey towards a healthier me is mindfulness. I approach each day as a to-do list, always living in the next step rather than the one I am currently taking. It is time to slow it down a bit.
Mindful eating is the first key. I eat 2-3 meals a day while sitting at the computer. Up until I stopped eating those McDonald’s biscuits every morning I was eating 1-2 meals a day in the car. My dining table is more of a repository of the day’s mail and my tote bag than it is a place to sit and enjoy a mindful meal. I watched my cat, Boo, this morning. She is a perfect example of mindful eating. She focuses completely on her dish of salmon and gravy with only an occasional turn of her head to make sure that I am not going to step on her tail. When she is done, she cleans her face and paws and goes over to the patio window to check out the birds and squirrels in the trees. She does not insist that I move her dish over to the window so she can be entertained while she dines. She eats first. I realize you may think she does not have the ability to tell me that she wants her dish moved, but, believe me, she made it quite clear this morning that she was not going to let me brush her anymore unless I used the brush she nudged with her nose rather than the one I had in my hand. She is one smart cat and I plan to learn a lot from her.
Mindful eating consists of removing any distractions and focusing completely on the food. Each mouthful is to be chewed until it is completely soft and almost liquid. It is not to be washed down with water, soda, or coffee. Water and other liquids tend to dilute the enzymes needed for good digestion. Therefore, it is best to drink a glass of water 15-30 minutes before eating and then another glass 15-20 minutes after. Putting lemon in the water is a good idea and it is also good to drink it warm or hot. Another key is to put the spoon or fork down between each bite and not pick it up again until the food has been completely chewed and swallowed.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS????? This morning I got up and did yoga first thing as it has been suggested that yoga be done on an empty stomach. By the time I had breakfast made I was ready to gobble it down. I sat down at the table and started to eat. I wasn’t perfect, but more about the nonjudgmental stance later. I wasn’t always conscious of putting the fork down or chewing thoroughly. However, I found that I felt full faster and did not eat all that was on my plate. If I had been at the computer I would been in auto mode and it all would have been gone before I knew I was full.
The hardest part of this is staying in the moment. Without the distraction of the computer, my to-do list was running through my brain. Brush Boo, clean litter box, vacuum, wipe down the kitchen, fold laundry. My mind was running amok and raising havoc with my mindful eating. What do I do then? I bring myself to the moment and try very hard not to judge myself for having diverged from the plan. If judgment becomes a big part of this journey I will judge myself as a failure before a week is out.
As I was doing yoga this morning I was able to spend some time being mindful of the sensations in my body. I could tune into discomfort, make adjustments, listen to my body and move on to another pose that would release any tension. Occasionally my mind would go back to the to-do list and or to writing this post in my head. Working mindfully, I was able to bring my attention back to my body. I am in this current state of health because I did not listen to my body and it is time to honor all it has done for me by being mindful of its needs. It needs me to pay attention.
I have not always been mindful of my body’s needs. One of the reason my health has gotten to this point is that I took it for granted. I have always been a large woman but it hasn’t really slowed me down until the last two years. I was always able to still do a lot of physical activities that other people of my size would have found too strenuous. Unfortunately, it was like driving a car very hard for a lot of miles without attending to the regular maintenance. I am worn out and I can’t trade myself in for a new model. This is what I have and I need to listen to what it needs in order to help it last for the rest of the trip.
The next challenge is to apply this all to the work day. The hardest part will be the adjustment to my morning routine of eating my breakfast at the computer (or in the car). I plan to eat lunch away from my desk and without distractions. And when I do reach for a piece of chocolate, I will eat it slowly and mindfully.

Going to Cowgirl Up!

I am feeling a little disappointed by the medical community and am going to have to cowgirl up and take a more active role in the management of my health. Posting to this blog regarding this journey is going to be a way of being accountable and tracking my progress.
I have a few health problems. Morbid obesity is the number one problem and is probably the main contributing factor to how I feel. However, I also have clinical depression and sometimes it is hard to determine which came first. I have experienced both for most of my life and there appears to be a significant genetic factor.
This is not meant to be a confessional where I reveal my bad habits and how my life has been affected by my excesses. Out of the two issues of obesity and depression, one is highly visible and the other is probably suspected by a number of folks who have known me for a while. Any other details will be saved for my memoirs.
After trying to get help from the doctors regarding pain and a number of other issues, I am feeling a little done with Western medicine. After running up a big bill for medical tests I am no further along than I was before. I think that my error came in believing that the tests would find something medically wrong with me, the doctors would give me a pill or perform a surgery, I would feel better and life would miraculously improve. It’s not happening and I am still in pain, still depressed and still very fat.
The real corker for all of this is that I am not uninformed. I have books about nutrition and health and have read them. I have talked to nutritionists and tried a number of diet plans and support groups. I am full of information and I think it is time for me to get down and dirty and actually apply some of that knowledge and learn more about myself in the process.
Here are the challenges –
1) The depression reduces my motivation at times but I find once I get moving I am glad I did so.
2) The extra weight I am carrying seems overwhelming and will take months to years to disappear if I take care of myself properly. I have lost large amounts of weight quickly before and gained it back even faster so I know the trap of the quick weight loss schemes.
3) I have a couple of medical issues that make walking difficult for me. To be blunt – I usually have to pee a couple of times during a walk and there isn’t always a place to do so. And, I have heel pain after walking for a while.
4) I have a sugar addiction that usually manifests as cravings for chocolate and breads.
5) I live alone and am only accountable to myself.
Here are my strengths –
1) I have knowledge of nutrition and holistic/allopathic medicine.
2) I love yoga.
3) I use mindfulness techniques and other practices (cello, writing, knitting) as means of relaxing and reducing stress.
4) Except for my health, I have few stressors in my life. My job provides healthy stress, I live in a stable home, I have a cat, and I have a car that runs well.
5) I have supportive close friends.
6) I see my wonderful chiropractor, Dr. Sam, once a week and the pain has been greatly reduced over the past six months of weekly adjustments.

Here are the current changes –
1) I have recently decided to try being a pescetarian by cutting out meat and eating fish at least two to three times a week. That has cut out the morning run to McDonald’s for sausage biscuits and increased my vegetable intake.
2) I have started a Yoga for Weight Loss class and am going to work on incorporating yoga into my daily routine.
3) I have an appointment with a Naturopath/M.D. in May but am on a waiting list to go in if there is a cancellation before then.
4) I am not taking any pain medication other than Ibuprofen as needed.
5) I don’t drink, smoke or hang out with people who do.
6) I am using mindfulness meditation and yoga nidra regularly to manage any symptoms of anxiety.
Here is the plan. I will maintain the current changes, continue to research new things, consider advice, and report back on how it is going. I will be gentle with myself by continuing to search for my strengths on those days when I somehow miss the mark.
At 53 I don’t have many choices. I can’t afford to get older if it means more and more medical bills. I am not going to enjoy the next 20-30 years if I don’t feel better. And I don’t think I can count on anyone else besides me to get this under control. Contrary to what you see on television and the internet, there is no magic formula for losing weight and feeling better. If there was, there wouldn’t be so many varieties of dietary aids out there.
I am not going to lie about this. I am scared. I have tried and failed at this endeavor many times but I have also not always given it my full attention. I don’t want to experience the disappointment of failure again. Each time I lose weight I gain back even more and I gain it back faster than I lost it. There is a lot at stake here and I find myself discouraged every day by the long road ahead of me. I think I knew this day was coming. I have run out of choices and I need to take responsibility.