Seasons of Life

The most profound lesson I have learned over the past few years has to do with the ebb and flow of life. I think my return to a part of a country that has more than two seasons has facilitated this understanding. When I lived in the South, where the seasons are divided up between the hot summer and the rainy winter, I saw things as good or bad. I was sick – it was bad. I hated a job – it was bad. If I was enjoying life - it was good. However, after moving to the North and coming to terms with the changes in my body as I grow older, I realize that life is much more than judging by good or bad, by light or dark, or any other dichotomy. It is more about recognizing the continuous changes and the various levels in which changes occur.
There is a Buddhist teaching that reminds us that when our lives are in chaos, we are just being distracted so that the universe can work on what needs to happen for positive change. If we weren’t distracted we would be messing everything up like a toddler trying to help cook dinner. I think about this every year as summer wanes and we move into autumn. The beautiful colors of autumn distract us from the reality of an end to a period of growth and harvest moving to a time of sleep and apparent death. During winter, we all slow down. During February and March and on into mud season, I hear many people complain about a lack of energy, depression, a need for more sleep. Then, as soon as the first green grass appears and the flowers begin to bloom, the world wakes up and the energy of spring and renewal arises. Somehow, though, in the midst of winter we have forgotten that underneath the snow and the long nights, the earth is resting and renewing in preparation for birth of new growth.
I have looked back on my life and seen how there have been times when I thought I was going through my darkest period. Then a new job, a new friendship, a new home, a new grandchild, would arrive and I eventually grew to realize that the seeds of these gifts were being nurtured by the universe while I was suffering. The hardest part is being awake enough to see the gift when it arrives.
As I grow older I see more and more friends and family, along with myself, struggle with the loss that accompanies aging. More friends and friends or partners of friends are being diagnosed with cancer, our parents are dying leaving us as the oldest generation in the our family, and an unfortunate number of friends are dealing with devastating illnesses of their children, having to make choices as to how to provide care for themselves while caring for an adult child. When this happens it is hard to see how there can be an undercurrent of good beneath it all. How can severe illness or the loss of a parent, a friend or child be anything more than devastating?
Most recently, a dear friend of mine (see Darcy in A Winter’s Friendship) was diagnosed with cancer and underwent surgery. The outpouring of love from friends and family has nothing less than inspirational and Darcy’s positive attitude has been a true blessing. If she did not know before how much she was loved, she certainly does now. What she has given to others is being given back to her a hundredfold. This is the gift of adversity if we are willing to see it. She is being given the gift of love and we are all being gifted her positive attitude and strength.
Life is a series of seasons. I have learned that when things look grim life will soon change. I also know not to get too comfortable when things are going well because it is just natural that things will change. I try to no longer judge life circumstances as good or bad, but to just wait to find out where the good is in all things.

First post - Sunday Musings

Ahh. A blog. That would certainly throw me into the 21st century. My fear is that no one will find my blatherings interesting. And then, who am I to judge what others find interesting? I will just go on and write what is on my mind and let people decide on their own if my musings interest them.

Since I have few things that appear to always be on my mind I will probably be writing about my spiritual journey, aging, and how life just seems to be speeding up to the point that I can't keep up. Don't worry if you read this and I sound morose. The next time you come back I may be expressing sheer joy at the world and all that it has given me.

However, on wet and dreary days such as this I am mostly introspective. My thoughts are on where I am and where I have come from.

I am currently living in New Hampshire. It has been a long journey to get to this beautiful place. I have been in the Concord area for about a week and my concerns about moving closer to the city after living in the country for a few years have been completely removed. Concord is a little big town and I am only a few blocks from a goat farm, a mile from a wooded river, and I have the choice between a city drive or a country drive to get to most places. I choose the country drive even if it takes a little longer.

I am always hoping to see a moose. Moose seem to know when I am out and about and for that reason I have only seen two and both have been dead. I am armed only with a camera and when I see that first "live" moose I will post his or her picture for everyone to see and celebrate. Sometimes I am convinced that moose are completely mythical creatures, like unicorns and fairy folk. However, there have been times that I believed in unicorns and fairy folk so I suppose that a moose may grace me with his presence at some time.

This morning I drove to the UU church over the back roads. Everything is so vividly green from all of the recent rains that it took my breath away. I drove over hills and saw lush orchards and mountains. The other day I saw a mother turkey with her brood of babies near the side of the road. There must have been twenty of them and I wish I had stopped to get a picture.

It is the summer solstice. The day will be long and it is hard to imagine that it is supposed to be summer. The weather has been more Spring-like with abundant rain and dreary days. New Englanders love to garden and the flowers against the green of the landscape are a welcome sight on these cloudy days.

My life seems to be less about outer adventures these days. I was going to blame it on my body but I only really have myself to blame. Years of indulgence have taken their toll and I am working on trying to find that middle way. I do not like the effects of aging and it makes it worse that my habits have sped up the process. My knees creak and my hands fall asleep. I am working on eating healthier and seem to have been able to cut back on the emotional eating. I still have cravings for sweets but am less likely to binge on chocolate and allow myself a taste now and then.

I hate having an aging body when my brain still seems to function at the level of a twenty-five year old. Yes, there is some wisdom of age but I still have moments when I can behave with the immaturity of someone much younger. I was sitting in traffic on the main street of one of the larger NH cities the other day. The oncoming lane was empty of traffic and I had just passed the left turn I needed to make. I was five minutes late for a meeting and in my frustration I was seriously considering making an illegal U-turn right in the middle of the street. At just that moment, a city police car pulled up beside me. I took it as a sign to stay put, but the real reason I didn't do it was that I realized that I did not have the foolishness of youth as an excuse for bad behavior. How does a 53 year old graying grandmother explain to a police officer (probably half her age) why she did such an immature thing?

I seem to be a caricature of the middle aged divorced woman living alone in her apartment with a cat. Boo is beautiful and a wonderful roommate. However, to keep from becoming the crazy cat lady of the building, I am keeping it to just her and I, no matter how many people insist that I need another one. Boo seems to like being an only cat and we get along just fine.

Maybe I am thinking a lot about solstice this year because I realized a few years ago that I have passed the solstice of my life. I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I am not afraid of death, but after losing both parents to cancer I find I have become a little more of a hypochondriac. My mother died at the age of 69. That is only sixteen years away for me. If I look back to sixteen years ago I know that I have done a lot in just sixteen years, but at the speed at which life seems to pass me by these days I don't know if I really have a lot of time. I don't really fret about waiting for things to happen anymore because I realize that time moves so quickly that there is no reason to become impatient.

At church this morning, in the row behind me, were a group of women who had all come together from a retirement community. They were all in their nineties. I can't imagine living that long. They were absolutely lovely and appeared to be living full lives, but I just don't see it for me. I have a friend who does everything she can maintain her body, insisting that our bodies are not meant to age and die. When I hear that I almost cringe. Maybe it is just laziness on my part. I have found living to be very difficult at times (mostly due to my own choices) and I really don't need to drag this out much longer than necessary. I work very hard to participate on a daily basis, I have hopes and dreams for the future, plans for travel and watching my grandchildren grow, but there are things I don't want to face. I don't want to see any more friends die. I don't want to watch my grandchildren struggle. I don't want to lose my own mental capacities. I want to have my thought processes thoroughly intact until the moment I die.

It is this struggle of living that brought me to Buddhism. I spent some time in New Thought churches and found the affirmations to be self defeating at times. It is more important for me to find a way to live with the daily struggles of life without attachment to outcomes than it is for me to affirm a dream for the future. The more attached I am to outcomes the more I suffer. Being mindfully in the moment provides more comfort and satisfaction.

Over the past couple of years I worked for a mental health agency that appeared to be imploding for various reasons. I had five supervisors in two years and they each had a different management philosophy. The job market was tight and I was not sure what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go to another mental health agency since I knew that mine was not unique in its struggles.

When things appeared to be at their worse I found a book by Phillip Moffitt, Dancing with Life. It is about the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism and by reading this book thoroughly, and more than once, I was able to find what I needed to get through the struggles. I did not have the strength to affirm any sort of possibilities for the future, but I was able to use the teachings of the Buddha to understand that the best way to get through each day was to not attach myself to the outcomes, but to keep my emotional flame low and not allow it to flame up in anger, frustration, guilt, depression and fear. I had to just go with the flow of life and understand that as things come to a downturn they will also eventually improve. I needed to paddle my way through the rapids and stay with the canoe, staying in the moment and not looking too far ahead.

I made it through. It was not easy and, as I said before, there was some toll on my health. And there was a lot of good. I came out of it with good friends and the knowing that I am strong. I am now working in a job that suits my experience and talents at a program that appears healthy and strong. I did not go looking for it. It came to me at the point when I needed it most and I feel it was my reward from the universe for having made it through the past two years. The lesson needed to be learned in that environment. I couldn't have learned it otherwise.

I don't believe in a god that is interested in the day to day workings of my life. I don't have a personal relationship with a higher power. I find my strength in the support of others and in understanding that I have been able to make it through quite a bit in my life. I do believe in a greater force in the Universe that is a flow of love. I try to spend as much time in that flow as possible without expectations. It requires mindfulness on my part and a practice that includes the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Buddhism with a touch of earth based religions. I am a constantly evolving human being thankful for periods of rest.