The Mindful Cowgirl

The next step on this journey towards a healthier me is mindfulness. I approach each day as a to-do list, always living in the next step rather than the one I am currently taking. It is time to slow it down a bit.
Mindful eating is the first key. I eat 2-3 meals a day while sitting at the computer. Up until I stopped eating those McDonald’s biscuits every morning I was eating 1-2 meals a day in the car. My dining table is more of a repository of the day’s mail and my tote bag than it is a place to sit and enjoy a mindful meal. I watched my cat, Boo, this morning. She is a perfect example of mindful eating. She focuses completely on her dish of salmon and gravy with only an occasional turn of her head to make sure that I am not going to step on her tail. When she is done, she cleans her face and paws and goes over to the patio window to check out the birds and squirrels in the trees. She does not insist that I move her dish over to the window so she can be entertained while she dines. She eats first. I realize you may think she does not have the ability to tell me that she wants her dish moved, but, believe me, she made it quite clear this morning that she was not going to let me brush her anymore unless I used the brush she nudged with her nose rather than the one I had in my hand. She is one smart cat and I plan to learn a lot from her.
Mindful eating consists of removing any distractions and focusing completely on the food. Each mouthful is to be chewed until it is completely soft and almost liquid. It is not to be washed down with water, soda, or coffee. Water and other liquids tend to dilute the enzymes needed for good digestion. Therefore, it is best to drink a glass of water 15-30 minutes before eating and then another glass 15-20 minutes after. Putting lemon in the water is a good idea and it is also good to drink it warm or hot. Another key is to put the spoon or fork down between each bite and not pick it up again until the food has been completely chewed and swallowed.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS????? This morning I got up and did yoga first thing as it has been suggested that yoga be done on an empty stomach. By the time I had breakfast made I was ready to gobble it down. I sat down at the table and started to eat. I wasn’t perfect, but more about the nonjudgmental stance later. I wasn’t always conscious of putting the fork down or chewing thoroughly. However, I found that I felt full faster and did not eat all that was on my plate. If I had been at the computer I would been in auto mode and it all would have been gone before I knew I was full.
The hardest part of this is staying in the moment. Without the distraction of the computer, my to-do list was running through my brain. Brush Boo, clean litter box, vacuum, wipe down the kitchen, fold laundry. My mind was running amok and raising havoc with my mindful eating. What do I do then? I bring myself to the moment and try very hard not to judge myself for having diverged from the plan. If judgment becomes a big part of this journey I will judge myself as a failure before a week is out.
As I was doing yoga this morning I was able to spend some time being mindful of the sensations in my body. I could tune into discomfort, make adjustments, listen to my body and move on to another pose that would release any tension. Occasionally my mind would go back to the to-do list and or to writing this post in my head. Working mindfully, I was able to bring my attention back to my body. I am in this current state of health because I did not listen to my body and it is time to honor all it has done for me by being mindful of its needs. It needs me to pay attention.
I have not always been mindful of my body’s needs. One of the reason my health has gotten to this point is that I took it for granted. I have always been a large woman but it hasn’t really slowed me down until the last two years. I was always able to still do a lot of physical activities that other people of my size would have found too strenuous. Unfortunately, it was like driving a car very hard for a lot of miles without attending to the regular maintenance. I am worn out and I can’t trade myself in for a new model. This is what I have and I need to listen to what it needs in order to help it last for the rest of the trip.
The next challenge is to apply this all to the work day. The hardest part will be the adjustment to my morning routine of eating my breakfast at the computer (or in the car). I plan to eat lunch away from my desk and without distractions. And when I do reach for a piece of chocolate, I will eat it slowly and mindfully.

First post - Sunday Musings

Ahh. A blog. That would certainly throw me into the 21st century. My fear is that no one will find my blatherings interesting. And then, who am I to judge what others find interesting? I will just go on and write what is on my mind and let people decide on their own if my musings interest them.

Since I have few things that appear to always be on my mind I will probably be writing about my spiritual journey, aging, and how life just seems to be speeding up to the point that I can't keep up. Don't worry if you read this and I sound morose. The next time you come back I may be expressing sheer joy at the world and all that it has given me.

However, on wet and dreary days such as this I am mostly introspective. My thoughts are on where I am and where I have come from.

I am currently living in New Hampshire. It has been a long journey to get to this beautiful place. I have been in the Concord area for about a week and my concerns about moving closer to the city after living in the country for a few years have been completely removed. Concord is a little big town and I am only a few blocks from a goat farm, a mile from a wooded river, and I have the choice between a city drive or a country drive to get to most places. I choose the country drive even if it takes a little longer.

I am always hoping to see a moose. Moose seem to know when I am out and about and for that reason I have only seen two and both have been dead. I am armed only with a camera and when I see that first "live" moose I will post his or her picture for everyone to see and celebrate. Sometimes I am convinced that moose are completely mythical creatures, like unicorns and fairy folk. However, there have been times that I believed in unicorns and fairy folk so I suppose that a moose may grace me with his presence at some time.

This morning I drove to the UU church over the back roads. Everything is so vividly green from all of the recent rains that it took my breath away. I drove over hills and saw lush orchards and mountains. The other day I saw a mother turkey with her brood of babies near the side of the road. There must have been twenty of them and I wish I had stopped to get a picture.

It is the summer solstice. The day will be long and it is hard to imagine that it is supposed to be summer. The weather has been more Spring-like with abundant rain and dreary days. New Englanders love to garden and the flowers against the green of the landscape are a welcome sight on these cloudy days.

My life seems to be less about outer adventures these days. I was going to blame it on my body but I only really have myself to blame. Years of indulgence have taken their toll and I am working on trying to find that middle way. I do not like the effects of aging and it makes it worse that my habits have sped up the process. My knees creak and my hands fall asleep. I am working on eating healthier and seem to have been able to cut back on the emotional eating. I still have cravings for sweets but am less likely to binge on chocolate and allow myself a taste now and then.

I hate having an aging body when my brain still seems to function at the level of a twenty-five year old. Yes, there is some wisdom of age but I still have moments when I can behave with the immaturity of someone much younger. I was sitting in traffic on the main street of one of the larger NH cities the other day. The oncoming lane was empty of traffic and I had just passed the left turn I needed to make. I was five minutes late for a meeting and in my frustration I was seriously considering making an illegal U-turn right in the middle of the street. At just that moment, a city police car pulled up beside me. I took it as a sign to stay put, but the real reason I didn't do it was that I realized that I did not have the foolishness of youth as an excuse for bad behavior. How does a 53 year old graying grandmother explain to a police officer (probably half her age) why she did such an immature thing?

I seem to be a caricature of the middle aged divorced woman living alone in her apartment with a cat. Boo is beautiful and a wonderful roommate. However, to keep from becoming the crazy cat lady of the building, I am keeping it to just her and I, no matter how many people insist that I need another one. Boo seems to like being an only cat and we get along just fine.

Maybe I am thinking a lot about solstice this year because I realized a few years ago that I have passed the solstice of my life. I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I am not afraid of death, but after losing both parents to cancer I find I have become a little more of a hypochondriac. My mother died at the age of 69. That is only sixteen years away for me. If I look back to sixteen years ago I know that I have done a lot in just sixteen years, but at the speed at which life seems to pass me by these days I don't know if I really have a lot of time. I don't really fret about waiting for things to happen anymore because I realize that time moves so quickly that there is no reason to become impatient.

At church this morning, in the row behind me, were a group of women who had all come together from a retirement community. They were all in their nineties. I can't imagine living that long. They were absolutely lovely and appeared to be living full lives, but I just don't see it for me. I have a friend who does everything she can maintain her body, insisting that our bodies are not meant to age and die. When I hear that I almost cringe. Maybe it is just laziness on my part. I have found living to be very difficult at times (mostly due to my own choices) and I really don't need to drag this out much longer than necessary. I work very hard to participate on a daily basis, I have hopes and dreams for the future, plans for travel and watching my grandchildren grow, but there are things I don't want to face. I don't want to see any more friends die. I don't want to watch my grandchildren struggle. I don't want to lose my own mental capacities. I want to have my thought processes thoroughly intact until the moment I die.

It is this struggle of living that brought me to Buddhism. I spent some time in New Thought churches and found the affirmations to be self defeating at times. It is more important for me to find a way to live with the daily struggles of life without attachment to outcomes than it is for me to affirm a dream for the future. The more attached I am to outcomes the more I suffer. Being mindfully in the moment provides more comfort and satisfaction.

Over the past couple of years I worked for a mental health agency that appeared to be imploding for various reasons. I had five supervisors in two years and they each had a different management philosophy. The job market was tight and I was not sure what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go to another mental health agency since I knew that mine was not unique in its struggles.

When things appeared to be at their worse I found a book by Phillip Moffitt, Dancing with Life. It is about the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism and by reading this book thoroughly, and more than once, I was able to find what I needed to get through the struggles. I did not have the strength to affirm any sort of possibilities for the future, but I was able to use the teachings of the Buddha to understand that the best way to get through each day was to not attach myself to the outcomes, but to keep my emotional flame low and not allow it to flame up in anger, frustration, guilt, depression and fear. I had to just go with the flow of life and understand that as things come to a downturn they will also eventually improve. I needed to paddle my way through the rapids and stay with the canoe, staying in the moment and not looking too far ahead.

I made it through. It was not easy and, as I said before, there was some toll on my health. And there was a lot of good. I came out of it with good friends and the knowing that I am strong. I am now working in a job that suits my experience and talents at a program that appears healthy and strong. I did not go looking for it. It came to me at the point when I needed it most and I feel it was my reward from the universe for having made it through the past two years. The lesson needed to be learned in that environment. I couldn't have learned it otherwise.

I don't believe in a god that is interested in the day to day workings of my life. I don't have a personal relationship with a higher power. I find my strength in the support of others and in understanding that I have been able to make it through quite a bit in my life. I do believe in a greater force in the Universe that is a flow of love. I try to spend as much time in that flow as possible without expectations. It requires mindfulness on my part and a practice that includes the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Buddhism with a touch of earth based religions. I am a constantly evolving human being thankful for periods of rest.