Riding the Waves

I woke up tired, achy and a little cranky this morning. Sunday morning is my writing time and I was ready to just toss it aside for a little pity party on the couch when I realized that this is what it is all about. It is doing what I always tell others to do when they are not feeling up to participating in the world – just take one step and see what happens.
So here I am, at the computer and writing again. It is already helping. In the rooms of Twelve Step programs they tell you to HALT. In other words, don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I can certainly identify with all of those. There was an evening this week when I was tired. I was feeling a little lonely and I was hungry. Even though I had perfectly healthy food at home that just needed to be reheated I started to feel the pull to the convenience store. I think the “convenience” is that they conveniently keep a person from eating healthy and provide the convenience of plenty of beer available so a person doesn’t have to drive so far when they go get their second 12 pack of the evening. Fortunately I am long past the latter but the former still causes my car wheels to turn on too many occasions.
It was a fight to the finish. I wasn’t sure I was past the temptation until I was actually in my apartment, changing out of my work clothes and the left over stir-fry was heating in the microwave. Here is the dilemma, though. The healthy food helped with the hunger but there was still some angst going on in me that was hard to satisfy. If there had been chips and dip or ice cream or cookies in the house I probably would’ve eaten them. You see, for someone like me, food is not about filling the stomach and feeding the body. Unfortunately, it has a lot to do with filling the emotional emptiness and sometimes it is difficult to figure out what will do the filling in lieu of the sugar or the crunchy/salty.
I am in the process of learning more about depression and the darkness of the soul. One of the things that struck me during this process of growth and investigation is that we all experience it. It is a part of our human existence and we all have our own ways of dealing with the darkness. For some it is food, for others it may be drugs and alcohol, overwork, affairs, lying in bed for hours or manic creativity. It could be crossing the line of balance and over exercising or becoming compulsive about cleaning or keeping things we feel we may need in the future. I have seen all of these things in my own experience, in my family and in those people that have sat in the chair opposite of me in therapy. We all seem to be trying to find our way out of some emotion to the person, thing or action that will fill up that empty space.
I was listening to Pema Chodron’s talk on Unconditional Confidence the other day and heard her tell the story about how when she was first a nun her mentor, Trungpa Rinpoche, told her that life was a series of big waves. He told her that it was like standing in the water and having a big wave come and crash so hard you found yourself face down in the sand and struggling to stand up again. As soon as you stand and feel some balance, the next big wave came along and the whole process starts all over again. A lot of what we do in life has to do with trying to hold off that next big wave and that is impossible. The wave is coming. It is a part of life. The best we can do is to put our energy into taking care of ourselves during the time that the wave has gone back out to sea so that maybe we are stronger when it hits.
Depression comes in when we start to feel that we just want to stay down in the sand and not even bother to get back up. We want to pack up our bags and leave the beach. We want to bawl like a baby and scream at the waves. Some religions tell us that if we just ride out the waves with faith that we will eventually reach a glorious place where we can sit on the beach and bask in the sun and not have to deal with the waves any more. Since I have already self disclosed so much I might as well go ahead and say that I no longer can believe in a God that would be as cruel as to bounce us around in the surf with the promise that if we behave according to his will we will receive our reward. Instead I believe that we already have that peace within us that we can access at any time through meditation and breath work. I just have to remember to go there.
We know it exists. Other people have been able to access it in the midst of their pain. Without being able to rise above the waves of despair and find that holy place within Abraham Lincoln would never have been able to be president and take the country through the Civil War and write the Emancipation Proclamation. Great music would never have been written or played, poetry would have been lost, and books would never have reached the printed page. It gives me solace to know that the things that have given me the most comfort in my times of sorrow and pain have been created by people who have suffered their own pain and have found their spark within the darkness.
I know that I suffer the most when I am resisting that next wave. If I am future tripping by worrying about my son or his wife or my grandchildren getting sick, a friend dying, losing my job, or being diagnosed with a major illness, I am spending all my energy on fighting against the inevitable pain of life when I can be using that energy to enjoy the moment I am in and nurturing the light that will carry me through the darkness of that next wave. The key is to remember that the light exists. I was reminded just by sitting down and writing this morning.

First post - Sunday Musings

Ahh. A blog. That would certainly throw me into the 21st century. My fear is that no one will find my blatherings interesting. And then, who am I to judge what others find interesting? I will just go on and write what is on my mind and let people decide on their own if my musings interest them.

Since I have few things that appear to always be on my mind I will probably be writing about my spiritual journey, aging, and how life just seems to be speeding up to the point that I can't keep up. Don't worry if you read this and I sound morose. The next time you come back I may be expressing sheer joy at the world and all that it has given me.

However, on wet and dreary days such as this I am mostly introspective. My thoughts are on where I am and where I have come from.

I am currently living in New Hampshire. It has been a long journey to get to this beautiful place. I have been in the Concord area for about a week and my concerns about moving closer to the city after living in the country for a few years have been completely removed. Concord is a little big town and I am only a few blocks from a goat farm, a mile from a wooded river, and I have the choice between a city drive or a country drive to get to most places. I choose the country drive even if it takes a little longer.

I am always hoping to see a moose. Moose seem to know when I am out and about and for that reason I have only seen two and both have been dead. I am armed only with a camera and when I see that first "live" moose I will post his or her picture for everyone to see and celebrate. Sometimes I am convinced that moose are completely mythical creatures, like unicorns and fairy folk. However, there have been times that I believed in unicorns and fairy folk so I suppose that a moose may grace me with his presence at some time.

This morning I drove to the UU church over the back roads. Everything is so vividly green from all of the recent rains that it took my breath away. I drove over hills and saw lush orchards and mountains. The other day I saw a mother turkey with her brood of babies near the side of the road. There must have been twenty of them and I wish I had stopped to get a picture.

It is the summer solstice. The day will be long and it is hard to imagine that it is supposed to be summer. The weather has been more Spring-like with abundant rain and dreary days. New Englanders love to garden and the flowers against the green of the landscape are a welcome sight on these cloudy days.

My life seems to be less about outer adventures these days. I was going to blame it on my body but I only really have myself to blame. Years of indulgence have taken their toll and I am working on trying to find that middle way. I do not like the effects of aging and it makes it worse that my habits have sped up the process. My knees creak and my hands fall asleep. I am working on eating healthier and seem to have been able to cut back on the emotional eating. I still have cravings for sweets but am less likely to binge on chocolate and allow myself a taste now and then.

I hate having an aging body when my brain still seems to function at the level of a twenty-five year old. Yes, there is some wisdom of age but I still have moments when I can behave with the immaturity of someone much younger. I was sitting in traffic on the main street of one of the larger NH cities the other day. The oncoming lane was empty of traffic and I had just passed the left turn I needed to make. I was five minutes late for a meeting and in my frustration I was seriously considering making an illegal U-turn right in the middle of the street. At just that moment, a city police car pulled up beside me. I took it as a sign to stay put, but the real reason I didn't do it was that I realized that I did not have the foolishness of youth as an excuse for bad behavior. How does a 53 year old graying grandmother explain to a police officer (probably half her age) why she did such an immature thing?

I seem to be a caricature of the middle aged divorced woman living alone in her apartment with a cat. Boo is beautiful and a wonderful roommate. However, to keep from becoming the crazy cat lady of the building, I am keeping it to just her and I, no matter how many people insist that I need another one. Boo seems to like being an only cat and we get along just fine.

Maybe I am thinking a lot about solstice this year because I realized a few years ago that I have passed the solstice of my life. I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I am not afraid of death, but after losing both parents to cancer I find I have become a little more of a hypochondriac. My mother died at the age of 69. That is only sixteen years away for me. If I look back to sixteen years ago I know that I have done a lot in just sixteen years, but at the speed at which life seems to pass me by these days I don't know if I really have a lot of time. I don't really fret about waiting for things to happen anymore because I realize that time moves so quickly that there is no reason to become impatient.

At church this morning, in the row behind me, were a group of women who had all come together from a retirement community. They were all in their nineties. I can't imagine living that long. They were absolutely lovely and appeared to be living full lives, but I just don't see it for me. I have a friend who does everything she can maintain her body, insisting that our bodies are not meant to age and die. When I hear that I almost cringe. Maybe it is just laziness on my part. I have found living to be very difficult at times (mostly due to my own choices) and I really don't need to drag this out much longer than necessary. I work very hard to participate on a daily basis, I have hopes and dreams for the future, plans for travel and watching my grandchildren grow, but there are things I don't want to face. I don't want to see any more friends die. I don't want to watch my grandchildren struggle. I don't want to lose my own mental capacities. I want to have my thought processes thoroughly intact until the moment I die.

It is this struggle of living that brought me to Buddhism. I spent some time in New Thought churches and found the affirmations to be self defeating at times. It is more important for me to find a way to live with the daily struggles of life without attachment to outcomes than it is for me to affirm a dream for the future. The more attached I am to outcomes the more I suffer. Being mindfully in the moment provides more comfort and satisfaction.

Over the past couple of years I worked for a mental health agency that appeared to be imploding for various reasons. I had five supervisors in two years and they each had a different management philosophy. The job market was tight and I was not sure what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go to another mental health agency since I knew that mine was not unique in its struggles.

When things appeared to be at their worse I found a book by Phillip Moffitt, Dancing with Life. It is about the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism and by reading this book thoroughly, and more than once, I was able to find what I needed to get through the struggles. I did not have the strength to affirm any sort of possibilities for the future, but I was able to use the teachings of the Buddha to understand that the best way to get through each day was to not attach myself to the outcomes, but to keep my emotional flame low and not allow it to flame up in anger, frustration, guilt, depression and fear. I had to just go with the flow of life and understand that as things come to a downturn they will also eventually improve. I needed to paddle my way through the rapids and stay with the canoe, staying in the moment and not looking too far ahead.

I made it through. It was not easy and, as I said before, there was some toll on my health. And there was a lot of good. I came out of it with good friends and the knowing that I am strong. I am now working in a job that suits my experience and talents at a program that appears healthy and strong. I did not go looking for it. It came to me at the point when I needed it most and I feel it was my reward from the universe for having made it through the past two years. The lesson needed to be learned in that environment. I couldn't have learned it otherwise.

I don't believe in a god that is interested in the day to day workings of my life. I don't have a personal relationship with a higher power. I find my strength in the support of others and in understanding that I have been able to make it through quite a bit in my life. I do believe in a greater force in the Universe that is a flow of love. I try to spend as much time in that flow as possible without expectations. It requires mindfulness on my part and a practice that includes the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Buddhism with a touch of earth based religions. I am a constantly evolving human being thankful for periods of rest.