I think it is quite amusing that I was planning on writing a rant on my blog this morning about being sick, taking time off of work and the unresponsiveness of the medical community, but after doing my morning yoga and meditation I have lost the edge and have mellowed out enough to be a little more rational.
I am on my fourth week of feeling ill due to one virus or another. I am not amused. I wasn’t feeling well last fall due to something they were never able to define and now I seem to have had at least three bouts of viral infections. Part of my frustration is that I have been sick since I made a new commitment to wellness and healthy living at the beginning of the year. My friend, Barbara, says that how I am currently feeling may be a result of my healthier lifestyle. She says I should see my runny nose and tiredness as my body’s way of releasing all the old toxins and preparing to be healthier. Sort of “out with the old and in with the new.” Well, I must have had a lot of sludge that needed to be cleaned out because I am currently surrounded by piles of used tissues that are higher than the snow outside.
I am going to go with Barbara’s theory, though. Because it is one of hope and right now I need to have some way of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I took three days off of work this week to rest, recuperate and tend to my inner and physical self. I just need to balance it all. There is this fierce warrior inside of me that is trying to control the whole situation. I see her. She is dressed like Xena and slinging her whip around and saying “let’s move on. You have three days to feel better. Drink that water. Do that yoga. Meditate. Come on.” The mere fact that I have that voice telling me that I have a timeline to be 100% better informs me there are some deep seated control issues going on in me that I was previously only faintly aware existed. I need to remind myself to take everything in moderation and I will be better soon.
Going to the doctor on Monday morning was an experience. I was scheduled for my annual physical so the fact that I was also going in with an upper respiratory infection was a bonus. The nurse took one look at me and said “I wasn’t expecting a cough.” I found myself apologizing for bringing it with me. I didn’t think I needed to cancel a doctor appointment because I was sick. Just didn’t seem right. But the nurse seemed a little upset that I was not the “annual exam” she thought I would be. I guess I didn’t have a name. I was just an “annual” or a “cough”.
Then the ARNP managed to push a few buttons. She focused on my depression rather than the fact I have felt ill for most of the past few months. She encouraged counseling. I rolled my eyes. I flat out told her that I was depressed because I didn’t feel well. She asked me if I realized how many good things I had in my life. She reminded me I was lucky to have a job in this economy. That voice inside my head starting screaming – “Yes, and I love my job. And I would love to be able to do it full time, with energy and not having to deal with being sick all the frikkin’ time!!” As a trauma specialist I should give her due for asking me questions about my life and past trauma but I have been in therapy for those things and if I went to a counselor right now all I would need to talk about is the fact that no matter how I try to advocate for myself with the medical community they do not listen to me. (Oops, there is the rant I thought I was going to be able to avoid.) I have a really good life right now but do not feel physically able to enjoy it. She is not understanding that.
I have left a message for her to call me today so that I can do two things. 1) Apologize for rolling my eyes at her - that was juvenile. 2) Let her know that I don’t feel she is listening to me and appears to have some preconceived notions based on my history. She probably won’t call until the results of my blood work are in and by then I will have calmed down and won’t really want to deal with her.
I do have an appointment with a naturopath medical doctor. I made that appointment last October and it isn’t until May. I am on a list if there is a cancellation. I hope someone cancels soon. I am really ready to try something different. Traditional western medicine does not seem to be the answer.
I have to give credit to my chiropractor and my yoga instructor. I feel better structurally and I have lost a few pounds. I have less back pain, no knee pain and I feel that as soon as I can breathe again I would be able to enjoy a good walk. I would even like to get a bicycle. And I think that the yoga, the adjustments and the physical therapy all helped with the issues I was having last fall. I am hoping the naturopath has some other suggestions. I am willing to try acupuncture, hyperbaric treatments, and any other sort of non-invasive treatment that could help. I want to be the busy, active person I was five years ago when I was hiking parts of Mt. Monadnock every weekend. Spring is coming. I am going to Santa Fe in April and would like to enjoy it.
I guess the bottom line is that I am a little frustrated. I am doing all I can here (except cutting out chocolate and we know that isn’t going to happen) and I don’t feel the medical community is willing to be a partner with me in managing my health. I am also frustrated that medical insurance does not see the value in complementary treatments and that I would have to pay for acupuncture or other treatments out of my own pocket.
Here are my goals for this week. Take everything in moderation. Do what I know works – yoga, meditation and short walks and laughing and talking with friends.
Note: Just as I was finishing writing this I got a call from the ARNP’s office. It was the nurse. She wanted to know what I wanted to talk to the ARNP about. I told her I had hoped to talk to the ARNP personally because I wanted to apologize for something and to also talk to her about a couple of things. I was told I would have to make an appointment as the “doctors” don’t usually make phone calls to patients. I said I would pass and that I would discuss it the next time I was in to see her for something. I guess I will continue to feel as if I am not being heard by my medical professionals. I guess I need to meditate again. I already had some laughter therapy by calling my friend, Barbara, and letting her know about the latest. A little short walk will probably do me good, too. Oh – and I no longer feel the need to apologize for rolling my eyes.
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