Grateful for Letting Go

This week was definitely more about patience and acceptance than it was about gratitude. Gratitude ended up being a part of it but my week certainly started out differently. I had tried to blog about the wonderful things in my life but I was in a dark place. And I was wallowing it. I was not just down in the mud, I was rolling in it and spreading it around.

I was living in the past. I was acting as if my life was still what it was thirty years ago and I was having a hard time sleeping and I was spewing my upset to anyone who would listen. I was unpleasant and judgmental about my unpleasantness. If I tried to be grateful for anything I would be drawn back down into my misery like a crab being pulled back into the bucket by its companions. I was a mess.

I don’t know what happened. I know there were people praying for me and sending me love and light. I was so unspiritual that I was rejecting anything that was positive. However, early Wednesday afternoon the fog cleared and I started to have a sense of peace and well-being. The complaining, the crying, the ranting at the Universe just stopped. There was no big moment of insight, just a sense that I could come back to the present and live here.

Now I can list what I am grateful for – my family and friends, my home and my cat, Boo, a job that challenges me and lets me use my talents in a meaningful way, and the grace that comes that knowing that I can live in the present and let the past stay where it belongs.

Walking and Breathing

I haven’t done much writing lately unless I count the blog for work and a grant narrative. I have been under the weather for the past month. Almost as soon as I got back to work from my vacation in mid-October I was hit with a nasty virus that made the rounds all over New England. And since I drive all over New Hampshire I was bound to catch it. Sometimes I feel like Typhoid Mary, carrying the virus from one place to another.

I finally was able to get out for a good walk today after some yoga. I can’t say how much I missed that part of my Sunday morning routine. It is so critical to my well-being to be outdoors and all I was able to do for the past few weeks was sleep. I agree that sleep is important to wellness but I was beginning to think that no one was going to see me out and about until spring. Yes, it was that bad. And I am one who likes to wax poetic about naps and consider myself a napping aficionado but I was doing way too much research. There were days when I slept over 16 hours between night and naps. It appears to be over now. I still want to nap, but the urge to sleep for hours seems to have passed.

It felt wonderful to get back out and walk along the Merrimack River today. As I was getting out of my car a pair of golden retriever puppies came running up to me as if they had known me all my life and were very glad to see me. Who can turn down a golden retriever puppy? And these two were wet! I did not mind whatsoever. Their boundless joy and eagerness to greet me made my day.

It was around 40 degrees and the sun was shining. I find that perfect walking weather while others may deem it too cold. Personally, I like a little chill in the air. I warm up pretty fast and by time I finished I had my jacket tied around my waist and had a little fog building up on my sunglasses.

While I was walking I thought about breathing. Breathing is the most important thing that we do and we give it very little thought. I have learned a lot about how working with breath can regulate the central nervous system, decreasing anxiety and increasing a sense of wellness. Yoga teaches us different breathing techniques that increase our capacity and regulate our stress hormones. I also recently learned that most of the toxins that we release during the day are let go through our exhale and mindful breathing techniques can increase our total body wellness. Our blood is cleansed when it passes through our lungs and then the blood carries oxygen back through all of organs, cleansing them as well. What we breathe and how we breathe is critical. Too many of us breathe shallowly. We were taught to suck in our guts and stick out our chests and this is totally counter to what we really need to do which is to breathe down into our belly and let our diaphragms fill with clean fresh air and then push out the toxins with our exhale.

When I walk, I want to inhale as much of the fresh air as possible. It is as if I am hungry for it all, for the fresh air and sunshine.

Our life begins with an inhale and ends with an exhale. I hope I am doing a good job paying attention to the breaths that come in between.

Oh, and here is a picture of a sweater than I managed to finish while I was recuperating.