A Gift for This Cynic

I spent two days with my friends, Joyce and Roland, at their wonderful home on a mountain in Maine. I was encouraged to spend my time in any way that helped me to relax, so I spent a lot of time reading, knitting, and drawing and talking to Joyce. I also ate very well and had a great foot massage by their dog, Maisie. I was nourished in body and spirit by friendship and nature. I was able to rest with no expectations.

The one thing that had the greatest impact on me, though, had nothing to do with the gold finches and hummingbirds, the wonderful soup and garden veggies, the conversations, sunsets, and watching a summer shower move in over the Mount Washington Valley. It had to do with witnessing a marriage that truly works and realizing that there is more to being a couple than pain and heartache.

Given my history and the work that I do, I have developed a cynicism towards marriage. I have seen and heard the worse. I have known men who cheated, who lied, who hurt their wives physically and emotionally, and left their children with emotional scars that last long into adulthood. I have heard stories of women who beat their children and dared them to cry, who left them with neighbors and never returned. I tend to see too much of the dark side.

I was given a gift yesterday that broke through my cynicism and is helping me to see the world in a different way.

Longfellow, Joyce and Roland’s dog, has been taking prednisone for a couple of weeks due to a problem with one of his ears. The prednisone has been working like a diuretic and made it critical that he be taken out at regular intervals. However, yesterday afternoon, after Joyce and I had done a little shopping and Roland had finished putting in a beautiful rose garden, there had been a delay in getting Longfellow out to do his business. Joyce discovered wet spots on two rugs and the bare floor.

It is important to understand that I have vivid memories of my two poodles being hit and screamed at by my father when they had chewed on the corner of the television set. I was crying, my sister was crying, the dogs were whining, and the dogs were sent back to the aunt who had given them to me within a few days. I also remember my ex-husband kicking our dog, Joey, on more than one occasion. I have a history of being frightened by men’s anger and I am easily triggered when there is a possibility that this may occur.

So when I heard that Longfellow had wet the floor, I had a small surge of adrenalin. Now I have to say that Roland has never given me any sign that there is a bad temper lurking beneath his calm Lutheran pastor exterior. I have never seen anything but serenity and peace in that man. However, I felt myself tense up. Then I saw a wonderful thing happen. Both Joyce and Roland treated Longfellow with love, apologized for failing to meet his needs, and they worked as a team to promptly clean up the mess without blaming each other for the incident.

Joyce had told me earlier that day that the reason that she married Roland forty-four years ago this coming month was because she knew that this was a man with whom she would always feel safe. I believe that he has fulfilled that promise each day since then. I also am reminded that there are indeed men who do not need to use anger to exert control, who share responsibility, and who cherish those people, animals, and gardens that are in their care.

Thank you, my friends, for the gift of seeing another way of being and healing a piece of my spirit.

Last Sunday in June Musings

I just finished cleaning the apartment. It took longer than usual. I rate cleaning at three levels: 1) Boo and I are happy and I can find everything I need; 2) company clean, and 3) OMG! My mother is coming clean. I almost made it to number three today. No chance that mom is going to stop by in the flesh, but I can pretty much hear her chuckling at the state of my oven. That is the one thing that I didn’t do that would have given me the full #3 rating. I did, however, clean out the tray under the toaster and since the refrigerator is a self-defroster, I didn’t need to worry about that. In the past, my mother was known for asking me if she could defrost the freezer as she couldn’t sleep until it was done. Another time, while we were playing cribbage, she asked me if I ever cleaned out the tray on the toaster. I let her know that if it was bothering her she could have at it.

Since I have real problems being told what to do (#1 reason I am still single), I have been known to leave things undone just because I was told to do them. My ex-husband and I used to do this passive-aggressive thing to see how high the garbage would get before one of us took it out. He didn’t realize that I had twenty years of defiance (including taking off on my own twice during the summer I was two) behind me when he married me and I usually lasted longer than he did, but he got nastier about it. This explains a lot about my son’s teen years, but I won’t go into that right now for the sake of his privacy and to maintain what is a pretty great relationship.

In addition to actually picking up and dusting knick knacks and moving furniture to dust, I went at my closet like a woman on a mission. Everything that was too big has been bagged and will be handed over to a shelter program or Planet Aid. I found two pairs of slacks that still had tags on them that I had purchased on line. They were too small when I got them and I may actually fit into them now. I also got rid of some things I just didn’t like. Now I have enough hangers for some things that have just been tossed on the shelf. I have clothes that fit now, will fit before fall, and some clothes that should be okay for next spring or summer. I may need some new winter clothes when the time comes around. Very cool. I feel very good about that!

I am hoping to get out on my bike today, but the weather continues to look iffy. It is only seven weeks until the MS Ride on the Seacoast when I will need to do 25 miles. I have done half that with no problem but am not sure about the full 25. I need to work on hills. I don’t want to spend too much time walking my bike up hills and I am unsure how many there are.

After increasing my blog posts this past week, writing some haikus, and the Misplaced Modifiers meeting yesterday, I am feeling like I can get back to my novel over the next week. I am setting a goal of finishing it by the end of the year. I think that is do-able as long as I actually sit down and write. I will keep you posted.

Saturday Morning Farmers' Market

I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning that going to the library for a few good novels followed by a trip to the Concord Farmers’ Market. I had planned to go strawberry pickin’ today but the weather is iffy and the ground is wet and I am a prima donna. But the trip to the Farmers’ Market was well worth it.

I don’t know if it was declared “Dog Day” but the market was full of them and I am kicking myself for not taking my camera. There were little ones and big ones, fluffy ones and sleek ones, quiet ones and very verbal ones. My first favorite was a golden retriever that had eyes that made me want to hand over all my money, my home, my car, and bank account. This dog could have talked me into jumping into an icy river. He was so good. He sat quietly, gazing up at his human, hoping for a fresh strawberry or a dog treat. I don’t think I could own a dog like that. I would be wrapped around his paw and he would be so spoiled that my grandchildren would be jealous. Yes, he was a beautiful dog.

The second dog was a member of my favorite breed, Bernese Mountain dog, and her name was Lucy. She was soft and gentle and I ran my hands all through her dark brown fur. She also had big, soulful brown eyes. Lucy was getting a lot of attention and was handling it all with equanimity and grace.

My goal was to be able to pick up enough things that I could cross the grocery store off the list of places I needed to go this morning. One stand had summer squash and spring onions and a huge pile of arugula. I imagined a warm arugula salad with tuna and decided to get a pound. I piled a pound up on the scale and when the smiling woman bagged it up, she added another handful saying that she wanted to make it a better pound. And, before I finished paying, she had stuffed another handful in the bag. I have more arugula than I can eat in two days!! I think it is like spinach, though. Once you wilt it down over the heat in some olive oil, it doesn’t look like so much.

I bought two quart of strawberries from the Carter Hill Farm stand; one quart for me and one quart to take to the writing group this afternoon. I would have bought more but I still have hopes of picking some to freeze tomorrow morning. But then, I seem to eat them faster than I can freeze them!

Musings on a Rainy Thursday Evening

Sitting here and listening to the rain and the sound of ice cubes falling into the bin in the freezer. Need to remember to turn that off before bed or it will drive me crazy and sometimes I am just too lazy to get back out of bed to do the one thing that would help me sleep.

I could be doing things other than sitting here and typing my stream of consciousness into the computer. I could be reading Denise’s chapters from her novel that she submitted last month to our writing group and that I haven’t gotten around to reading yet. Since I just signed myself up for three summer cello lessons I could possibly practice a bit and be ready to amaze my instructor with the fact that I have conquered second position extended hand position or something like that. I think she would just be happy if I would move my thumb with the rest of my hand as it goes up and down the neck of the cello. I have a tendency to over extend my hand and not carry my thumb with my fingers. I think there is a metaphor for my life there. I am just not sure what it is.

The other thing I noticed today is that I need to start going to a store to buy clothes because ordering them online is just not working. I am losing weight faster than the postal service or UPS can get the clothes to me so I end up with clothes that are too big when they arrive. I shouldn’t be complaining, but it feels weird to have a new pair of slacks bagging off my butt the second time I wear them.

Actually, I think most of my ass is on the golf course that I played on Tuesday. Beautiful place. I would like to go back soon. I think I played the best I ever have and I think it is because of yoga and a new golf bag that is so light I carried it backpack style and didn’t feel a thing on my shoulders. Very nice.

I drove north today on I93. I counted at least six state police cars checking for speeders. What in the hell was that about? It was pouring down rain in most places and I wasn’t even speeding. I usually go about 10-12 miles over the speed limit and know that I am due for a ticket at any time. But today was not going to be the day. I don’t speed when my car is hydroplaning.

The Franconia Notch looked wonderful as I was driving up. I wish I had been able to take a picture. The thermals were rising up from the forest and making new clouds. It was gorgeous. Then I started having random thoughts about the Old Man and the Mountain. For those of you who don’t know, the Old Man was a rock face in the notch that was the symbol of New Hampshire. His face is still on license plates along with the slogan “Live Free or Die”. Well, he must not have been feeling very free, because back in 2003 he slid off the side of the mountain and all you see now is a pile of rubble. I didn’t live here then and while I was driving I wondered how much noise it made and if there were tremors. If the Old Man slides off the mountain, and no one is around, does it make a sound? I asked someone who lived in Littleton at the time and she said that the only ones who heard it were at the mountain at the time, but that it felt like losing a family member. I would have liked to have met the Old Man before he slid into history. I am sure I would have liked him.

I had the joy of spending some time with a toddler today. He is living in a shelter with his mom and is about as adorable as a three year old can get. He introduced me to two garden snakes that were living in the rock wall on the side of the building. Snakes don’t bother me and they certainly didn’t bother him. We had a great time.

So, here I am again. Wondering what to do with the time between now and bed. I could practice my cello, kitchener stitch the toes on my June socks (trying to knit a pair of socks a month), do a Zentangle, or just cut out all the middle activities and get in bed with a book. That option sounds like the most likely on this rainy evening, but maybe I should empty the dishwasher first. Nah. I will do what I usually do, wait until the dishes pile up in the sink. There will be fewer dishes in the washer by then. I think I am compulsively non-compulsive. More on that another time. Thanks for putting up with my musings.

Haiku While Driving - Memory

First kiss, brown eyed man
Tremors from my lips to toes
Please. Again. Right now.

Haikus for a Change - Day 2 Morning

Crickets play fiddles

Contra dance on summer night

Frogs pluck standup base.