Finding What's Missing

I just got back from spending a couple of nights and a full day in Maine.  I s.Spent most of my time sitting on the glider rocker on my friend’s sun porch getting my feet licked by Macie, one of the two dogs that provide companionship to Joyce and Roland.  Some people like to sit on the beach and stare at the ocean.  I like to sit on a chair and gaze at the mountains.  I was well rewarded with a beautiful sunset last night.  I also like to walk in the woods, but the mosquitoes in Maine are well known for being blood sucking denizens and the couple of times I ventured a few feet away from the house I ended up flailing my arms wildly in the air trying to keep them away.  We took the dogs down to the lake for a quick dip, but before I was able to take my sandals off and get in the water, one of those freakishly persistent insects had flown up my nose.  It was best to stay indoors. 

This past week was pretty hectic.  Besides the usual stressors of working with domestic violence and sexual assault survivors and their advocates, things had gone awry on a conference I am planning.  Thanks to team work it is going to work out, but for a few days I was feeling a little pressure.  At times like that I tend to think that there is something missing in my life and try to fill whatever that space is with whatever is available.  Mostly food.  Used to be beer, wine, cigarettes or unhealthy relationships.  This week, however, I stayed more present with my feelings and was able to keep from diving into a pint of Chocolate Therapy ice cream. 

I thought about how I had managed that while I was gazing at the mountain.  I realized that when I think there is something missing in my life, what’s missing is me.    Stress puts me in the past, the future, but rarely in the moment.  I was more in the moment this week.  I stayed the course through my feelings.  I didn’t push it all down with food. 

Sometimes I talk about the committee in my head and the difficulty I have in making decisions.  One of the committee members is all about the quick fix.  Another likes to structure me within an inch of my life so that I can’t mess up.  Then there is the committee member who doesn’t play well with the others and prefers to run rampant until things get too scary and then she defers to her best friend, the one who likes the quick fix.  There is another who resists structure and prefers to go with the flow.  Fortunately, I also have a wise inner woman who manages to get them all to compromise or allows them to take turns in appropriate ways.  None of these committee members are the real me.  That’s a good thing.  But they all exist and if I am not present, the wise woman has a harder time managing the malcontents.  That is when I feel like something is missing.  When I feel like that it is an alarm letting me know that the wise woman is about ready to let the wild things run amok because she can’t do it all herself.  Glad I was there to help her this week.  I think it also helps that I have friends who are available to keep me grounded.