Taking the First Steps

This has been somewhat of a stressful week. I tried to maintain my equanimity throughout but there were times I just wanted to scream at the world and ask “Why can’t things move just a little faster when I need them to?” Then I reminded myself that the Universe is not just about me and my issues and I got a grip.

This week was about waiting. Waiting for doctors to make decisions and waiting for people to call with appointments. I was concerned because I have the kind of schedule that creates problems for other people if I have to cancel and this coming week is full of commitments to other people. Having a heart problem right now is very inconvenient. However, I realize that there is never a good time for this.

On Friday afternoon, exactly one week after finding out the results of the imaging stress test, I was called and given an appointment with a cardiologist for June 1. I am also on a waiting list so if there are any cancellations (which the scheduler said would probably happen) I will be called and can go on in. At this point it is expected that after I talk to the cardiologist I will then be scheduled for a catheterization which will lead the way for repair work. The highlight of all this is that the doctor informed me that this is all done under the influence of Versed, the best drug for medical procedures in the known universe. This decreased my anxiety about 80% and I am now sort of actually looking forward to the procedure. I have also been told that the procedure will probably help me feel a lot better than I have in a couple of years. Good news and an excellent reason to be on board.

My primary approach to all this is to remember that I am a part of my medical team. I have a great naturopathic M.D. and a well recommended Primary Care Physician. I also consider my chiropractor a part of my team along with friends, family and co-workers. However, the most important member of my team is Linda. My goal is to participate fully and follow recommendations.

After recovering from giving ten tubes of blood at the lab on Monday morning I was ready to get a move on. I had one relapse day on Wednesday when exhaustion came on but I bounced back. I have made the phone calls, done the yoga, taken the walks and cut out a lot of junk in my diet this week. Okay, there was the baby shower yesterday with the chocolate lava cake and the chocolate mousse tart, oh, and the Pampered Chef party with the chocolate lava cake – but, believe me, things could have been much worse. Much. Oh, so much worse given the stress I was feeling. I also switched to egg substitute to make sure I get less cholesterol and found out it isn’t that bad.

I have been reading Geneen Roth’s book, Women, Food and God, and am taking a closer look at my food issues. According to Geneen, I am a Permitter. I prefer to call it the “fuck its”. When things are stressful and chaotic I get a good case of the “fuck its” and decide that since my world is already in chaos I might as well party and eat as much as I want to. Restrictors are people who, when they feel out of control, try to control their eating through extreme measures. I have alternated between the two but have been primarily in the Permitter mode throughout my life. My parents were Permitters , thus, I was raised a Permitter.

I also obsess about food. What and when my next meal will be takes up a lot of my energy. My therapist and I discussed this and I was supposed to start thinking about what is under all of that and what it is that I am trying not to feel. Before I could get there, though, the supplements that the doctor gave me to increase my dopamine seemed to kick in and I actually forgot to eat a meal. And, I haven’t had the sugar cravings I usually have.

I also took my own advice and increased my yoga and meditation time. I am a big proponent of both for stress reduction but also realize how hard it is to incorporate them into daily life. With all of the season finales of my favorite TV shows this week and next, I needed to step back and remind myself that since I have the ability to choose when I watch those shows I can take out the time to practice my self care. It really is about personal choice. No one is going to do this for me. Even though I am a part of a team, I am the only one who really has the say in the outcome.

Someone mentioned yesterday that even Oprah, who has personal trainers and chefs, continues to struggle with her weight and food issues. I often say that I would love to have someone cook for me and follow me around with a stop watch while I work out but I know the person I am. I could have an excellent heart healthy chef at home but would rebel and be eating a paper bagged wrapped pint of Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter Ice Cream in the parking lot of Home Depot if I chose to use that as a way to self medicate. I suspect Oprah has her own version of this.

I also have one other member of my team. My cat, Boo. She does yoga with me and she has a wonderful way of helping me de-stress. When I am tired and need to stay put for a few, I will lie down on the couch. Boo will jump up and lie down right on my heart center and purr at the loudest decibel she can produce. I can actually feel it right through to my spine. She will do this for ten to fifteen minutes and I will feel like I have gone through an extensive Reiki or other type of energy session. She also does yoga with me. Really, she does! Here are pictures!

Finally, I can’t say enough about laughter and music. I can’t imagine my life without belly laughs with friends and good music. I am fortunate to experience both daily.oweveHo

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