Telling on Myself - Looking for the Middle Way

It is one of those mornings when the sun is shining so brightly through the patio windows that it shows off every bit of dust and dirt in the living room. I don’t have the energy to really care about it this morning. Doing the laundry and putting dishes in the dishwater is about as much as I can do right now. I need to save my energy for making the bed.

I am trying to find a way to say this with as little self judgment as possible. Let’s just say that things did not go according to plan this week at all. Yoga fell to the wayside as I dealt with a cold that had me off my feet for three days, I haven’t touched my cello in two weeks, and I haven’t been as careful with my food as I would have liked. Being ill usually throws me completely off the wagon but it could have been much worse.

There was a part of me that wasn’t going to blog on this today but then I thought – “Hey, this is what got you started in the first place and if you stop writing about it you might as well go out and buy a McD’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter Ice Cream.” So here I am presenting my human condition to the blogging world in hopes that it will re-inspire me to get back on the path to wellness. However, given how I am feeling today, that path may just lead to the couch with a book, dust bunnies surrounding me in the light of the sun. I am going to have to feel much better to even get to knitting group today and that, in my opinion, is tragic.

If there has been a theme in my life lately it is that life has its ups and downs and as long as I remember that nothing is permanent I will be okay. What I should also remember is that when I start to feel myself rising out of the ditch I should take it a little slower rather than trying to charge to the top of the rise to plant my flag. I was so grateful to feel better on Friday after three days of being miserable, that I charged through the day and activities and rose again on Saturday to do it all again. By last night I was starting to realize that there is a reason for moderation and the middle way. However, I never remember until it is too late and I am flat on my back again.

I love telling on myself. There was a point in my life when I was involved in all sorts of craziness and I realized that I was keeping secrets. I made a decision at the time that if I was doing something I couldn’t tell my mother then I shouldn’t be doing it. My mother didn’t know much about my life in my twenties and thirties but once I pulled it together she knew a whole lot more about me.

Another thing I have learned by telling on myself is that I am not alone!! It was so refreshing to call a friend last night and say, “Do you ever have times when you feel like you could just eat everything in the house?” and she said “Yes!” That felt so good. It stopped the momentum immediately. I just needed to tell on myself to someone who also understood. She had me laughing in a few minutes and I was able to go to bed without eating the bag of pita chips that was sitting on the kitchen table.

For today, I will move a little slower, give myself a little credit for realizing that downtime is necessary and rest. The laundry will get done and I may wipe down the kitchen counter. Food will be less of an issue today as my stomach appears to be rejecting any input. Later, if I feel like I can get down on the floor without falling asleep, I will do some gentle yoga just to be kind to my body. There is no need for me to rush anywhere today, so I will spend the day being mindful of what my body and spirit needs.

Riding the Waves

I woke up tired, achy and a little cranky this morning. Sunday morning is my writing time and I was ready to just toss it aside for a little pity party on the couch when I realized that this is what it is all about. It is doing what I always tell others to do when they are not feeling up to participating in the world – just take one step and see what happens.
So here I am, at the computer and writing again. It is already helping. In the rooms of Twelve Step programs they tell you to HALT. In other words, don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I can certainly identify with all of those. There was an evening this week when I was tired. I was feeling a little lonely and I was hungry. Even though I had perfectly healthy food at home that just needed to be reheated I started to feel the pull to the convenience store. I think the “convenience” is that they conveniently keep a person from eating healthy and provide the convenience of plenty of beer available so a person doesn’t have to drive so far when they go get their second 12 pack of the evening. Fortunately I am long past the latter but the former still causes my car wheels to turn on too many occasions.
It was a fight to the finish. I wasn’t sure I was past the temptation until I was actually in my apartment, changing out of my work clothes and the left over stir-fry was heating in the microwave. Here is the dilemma, though. The healthy food helped with the hunger but there was still some angst going on in me that was hard to satisfy. If there had been chips and dip or ice cream or cookies in the house I probably would’ve eaten them. You see, for someone like me, food is not about filling the stomach and feeding the body. Unfortunately, it has a lot to do with filling the emotional emptiness and sometimes it is difficult to figure out what will do the filling in lieu of the sugar or the crunchy/salty.
I am in the process of learning more about depression and the darkness of the soul. One of the things that struck me during this process of growth and investigation is that we all experience it. It is a part of our human existence and we all have our own ways of dealing with the darkness. For some it is food, for others it may be drugs and alcohol, overwork, affairs, lying in bed for hours or manic creativity. It could be crossing the line of balance and over exercising or becoming compulsive about cleaning or keeping things we feel we may need in the future. I have seen all of these things in my own experience, in my family and in those people that have sat in the chair opposite of me in therapy. We all seem to be trying to find our way out of some emotion to the person, thing or action that will fill up that empty space.
I was listening to Pema Chodron’s talk on Unconditional Confidence the other day and heard her tell the story about how when she was first a nun her mentor, Trungpa Rinpoche, told her that life was a series of big waves. He told her that it was like standing in the water and having a big wave come and crash so hard you found yourself face down in the sand and struggling to stand up again. As soon as you stand and feel some balance, the next big wave came along and the whole process starts all over again. A lot of what we do in life has to do with trying to hold off that next big wave and that is impossible. The wave is coming. It is a part of life. The best we can do is to put our energy into taking care of ourselves during the time that the wave has gone back out to sea so that maybe we are stronger when it hits.
Depression comes in when we start to feel that we just want to stay down in the sand and not even bother to get back up. We want to pack up our bags and leave the beach. We want to bawl like a baby and scream at the waves. Some religions tell us that if we just ride out the waves with faith that we will eventually reach a glorious place where we can sit on the beach and bask in the sun and not have to deal with the waves any more. Since I have already self disclosed so much I might as well go ahead and say that I no longer can believe in a God that would be as cruel as to bounce us around in the surf with the promise that if we behave according to his will we will receive our reward. Instead I believe that we already have that peace within us that we can access at any time through meditation and breath work. I just have to remember to go there.
We know it exists. Other people have been able to access it in the midst of their pain. Without being able to rise above the waves of despair and find that holy place within Abraham Lincoln would never have been able to be president and take the country through the Civil War and write the Emancipation Proclamation. Great music would never have been written or played, poetry would have been lost, and books would never have reached the printed page. It gives me solace to know that the things that have given me the most comfort in my times of sorrow and pain have been created by people who have suffered their own pain and have found their spark within the darkness.
I know that I suffer the most when I am resisting that next wave. If I am future tripping by worrying about my son or his wife or my grandchildren getting sick, a friend dying, losing my job, or being diagnosed with a major illness, I am spending all my energy on fighting against the inevitable pain of life when I can be using that energy to enjoy the moment I am in and nurturing the light that will carry me through the darkness of that next wave. The key is to remember that the light exists. I was reminded just by sitting down and writing this morning.

Making Choices

I am starting to really believe that it is all about choices. This week was full of choices all along the way. In the spirit of being mindful and being nonjudgmental I won’t rate those choices. I have tendency to say I failed in an area or that I did really well. Let it suffice to say that I practiced yoga more days than not, ate at the computer more meals than not, ate less chocolate than I was tempted to, and listened to my body more often than not.
My body and I have been working on our relationship for the past year. I realized that for the first fifty-something years of my life that I had pretty much lived as if my body were an accessory. I now am realizing that I need to take care of it and it tells me what it needs. Last night I was very tired and found myself drifting off earlier than usual so I turned off the light and must have fallen asleep within minutes. I slept for eleven hours straight and woke stiff and sore. A part of me thought that I should take a break from the yoga. However, my body ushered me to the yoga mat and after a few good postures and movement my body was soon aligning itself back up again. Left to my own thinking process I would have blamed the previous days of yoga for the stiffness instead of realizing that sleeping hard for eleven hours could have caused some of the morning stiffness.

I learned this week that the best time to go grocery shopping is right before my Thursday night yoga class. I eat a late lunch on Thursdays so that my stomach is empty for class but I am not ravenously hungry. I am already feeling virtuous about going to the class so shopping for healthy foods is easier. I need to adjust my budget, though. Whereas I used to be able to go for days eating nothing but tomato soup and Cheetos I now need to fill the cart with good organic veggies, tofu, fish and whole grains. As most people already know, it is not economical to eat healthier.
I am also learning that what a lot of research says about yoga and other movement is true. It releases a lot of chemicals in the brain and contributes to a sense of well-being. With the healthier diet and the yoga I have had fewer moments of darkness of mood and been able to enjoy life a little better. Plus, with the mindfulness and working to be non-judgmental I am less concerned about judging my moods as bad or good. I am learning that if I don’t judge my mood as bad, then it doesn’t get worse.
I moved a little out of my comfort zone this week, too. I had bought myself a ticket to see YoYo Ma with the Boston Symphony and was anxious about driving in Boston by myself. I studied the maps and directions until I found the most direct route and left with plenty of time to spare. It went very smoothly and it was definitely worth the trip and the angst about the driving in Boston.
YoYo Ma is a magical presence. After the orchestra played its first piece he came appeared from the right side of the stage, smiling and almost bouncing as he moved across the stage to the conductor’s stand. Unfortunately I did not have the best seat in the house and was unable to actually see him play. However, that did not take away from the magic of hearing him play live. During the Haydn Cello Concerto #1 there is a period where the orchestra stops and it is just the cello. I don’t think anyone let out a breath for a full four minutes as we listened in awe to the music. It was a spiritual moment. I have never been in an audience that managed to stay so still for so long. After the standing ovations and bows he came back out on stage again and played an unplanned solo in honor of a friend who had died over the week. Again, it was breathtaking.
At that point it was 9:14 and I knew I had gotten more than what I had paid for and made the choice to leave at intermission, avoid the concert traffic and head back north. I knew that if I stayed I would not get home until after midnight and probably would not sleep well.
I guess that I am becoming more open to opportunities to take care of myself, too. I have been drawn to information about area Buddhist Sanghas and books and blogs have come my way to enhance my journey. One of my favorite blogs about depression is Beyond Blue on Beliefnet. I am going to add a few of my favorite sites to this blog so readers can check them if they wish. I am also reading Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore. I am thinking of writing a blog post about what I have learned about depression over the past year. More to come.

The Mindful Cowgirl

The next step on this journey towards a healthier me is mindfulness. I approach each day as a to-do list, always living in the next step rather than the one I am currently taking. It is time to slow it down a bit.
Mindful eating is the first key. I eat 2-3 meals a day while sitting at the computer. Up until I stopped eating those McDonald’s biscuits every morning I was eating 1-2 meals a day in the car. My dining table is more of a repository of the day’s mail and my tote bag than it is a place to sit and enjoy a mindful meal. I watched my cat, Boo, this morning. She is a perfect example of mindful eating. She focuses completely on her dish of salmon and gravy with only an occasional turn of her head to make sure that I am not going to step on her tail. When she is done, she cleans her face and paws and goes over to the patio window to check out the birds and squirrels in the trees. She does not insist that I move her dish over to the window so she can be entertained while she dines. She eats first. I realize you may think she does not have the ability to tell me that she wants her dish moved, but, believe me, she made it quite clear this morning that she was not going to let me brush her anymore unless I used the brush she nudged with her nose rather than the one I had in my hand. She is one smart cat and I plan to learn a lot from her.
Mindful eating consists of removing any distractions and focusing completely on the food. Each mouthful is to be chewed until it is completely soft and almost liquid. It is not to be washed down with water, soda, or coffee. Water and other liquids tend to dilute the enzymes needed for good digestion. Therefore, it is best to drink a glass of water 15-30 minutes before eating and then another glass 15-20 minutes after. Putting lemon in the water is a good idea and it is also good to drink it warm or hot. Another key is to put the spoon or fork down between each bite and not pick it up again until the food has been completely chewed and swallowed.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS????? This morning I got up and did yoga first thing as it has been suggested that yoga be done on an empty stomach. By the time I had breakfast made I was ready to gobble it down. I sat down at the table and started to eat. I wasn’t perfect, but more about the nonjudgmental stance later. I wasn’t always conscious of putting the fork down or chewing thoroughly. However, I found that I felt full faster and did not eat all that was on my plate. If I had been at the computer I would been in auto mode and it all would have been gone before I knew I was full.
The hardest part of this is staying in the moment. Without the distraction of the computer, my to-do list was running through my brain. Brush Boo, clean litter box, vacuum, wipe down the kitchen, fold laundry. My mind was running amok and raising havoc with my mindful eating. What do I do then? I bring myself to the moment and try very hard not to judge myself for having diverged from the plan. If judgment becomes a big part of this journey I will judge myself as a failure before a week is out.
As I was doing yoga this morning I was able to spend some time being mindful of the sensations in my body. I could tune into discomfort, make adjustments, listen to my body and move on to another pose that would release any tension. Occasionally my mind would go back to the to-do list and or to writing this post in my head. Working mindfully, I was able to bring my attention back to my body. I am in this current state of health because I did not listen to my body and it is time to honor all it has done for me by being mindful of its needs. It needs me to pay attention.
I have not always been mindful of my body’s needs. One of the reason my health has gotten to this point is that I took it for granted. I have always been a large woman but it hasn’t really slowed me down until the last two years. I was always able to still do a lot of physical activities that other people of my size would have found too strenuous. Unfortunately, it was like driving a car very hard for a lot of miles without attending to the regular maintenance. I am worn out and I can’t trade myself in for a new model. This is what I have and I need to listen to what it needs in order to help it last for the rest of the trip.
The next challenge is to apply this all to the work day. The hardest part will be the adjustment to my morning routine of eating my breakfast at the computer (or in the car). I plan to eat lunch away from my desk and without distractions. And when I do reach for a piece of chocolate, I will eat it slowly and mindfully.

Going to Cowgirl Up!

I am feeling a little disappointed by the medical community and am going to have to cowgirl up and take a more active role in the management of my health. Posting to this blog regarding this journey is going to be a way of being accountable and tracking my progress.
I have a few health problems. Morbid obesity is the number one problem and is probably the main contributing factor to how I feel. However, I also have clinical depression and sometimes it is hard to determine which came first. I have experienced both for most of my life and there appears to be a significant genetic factor.
This is not meant to be a confessional where I reveal my bad habits and how my life has been affected by my excesses. Out of the two issues of obesity and depression, one is highly visible and the other is probably suspected by a number of folks who have known me for a while. Any other details will be saved for my memoirs.
After trying to get help from the doctors regarding pain and a number of other issues, I am feeling a little done with Western medicine. After running up a big bill for medical tests I am no further along than I was before. I think that my error came in believing that the tests would find something medically wrong with me, the doctors would give me a pill or perform a surgery, I would feel better and life would miraculously improve. It’s not happening and I am still in pain, still depressed and still very fat.
The real corker for all of this is that I am not uninformed. I have books about nutrition and health and have read them. I have talked to nutritionists and tried a number of diet plans and support groups. I am full of information and I think it is time for me to get down and dirty and actually apply some of that knowledge and learn more about myself in the process.
Here are the challenges –
1) The depression reduces my motivation at times but I find once I get moving I am glad I did so.
2) The extra weight I am carrying seems overwhelming and will take months to years to disappear if I take care of myself properly. I have lost large amounts of weight quickly before and gained it back even faster so I know the trap of the quick weight loss schemes.
3) I have a couple of medical issues that make walking difficult for me. To be blunt – I usually have to pee a couple of times during a walk and there isn’t always a place to do so. And, I have heel pain after walking for a while.
4) I have a sugar addiction that usually manifests as cravings for chocolate and breads.
5) I live alone and am only accountable to myself.
Here are my strengths –
1) I have knowledge of nutrition and holistic/allopathic medicine.
2) I love yoga.
3) I use mindfulness techniques and other practices (cello, writing, knitting) as means of relaxing and reducing stress.
4) Except for my health, I have few stressors in my life. My job provides healthy stress, I live in a stable home, I have a cat, and I have a car that runs well.
5) I have supportive close friends.
6) I see my wonderful chiropractor, Dr. Sam, once a week and the pain has been greatly reduced over the past six months of weekly adjustments.

Here are the current changes –
1) I have recently decided to try being a pescetarian by cutting out meat and eating fish at least two to three times a week. That has cut out the morning run to McDonald’s for sausage biscuits and increased my vegetable intake.
2) I have started a Yoga for Weight Loss class and am going to work on incorporating yoga into my daily routine.
3) I have an appointment with a Naturopath/M.D. in May but am on a waiting list to go in if there is a cancellation before then.
4) I am not taking any pain medication other than Ibuprofen as needed.
5) I don’t drink, smoke or hang out with people who do.
6) I am using mindfulness meditation and yoga nidra regularly to manage any symptoms of anxiety.
Here is the plan. I will maintain the current changes, continue to research new things, consider advice, and report back on how it is going. I will be gentle with myself by continuing to search for my strengths on those days when I somehow miss the mark.
At 53 I don’t have many choices. I can’t afford to get older if it means more and more medical bills. I am not going to enjoy the next 20-30 years if I don’t feel better. And I don’t think I can count on anyone else besides me to get this under control. Contrary to what you see on television and the internet, there is no magic formula for losing weight and feeling better. If there was, there wouldn’t be so many varieties of dietary aids out there.
I am not going to lie about this. I am scared. I have tried and failed at this endeavor many times but I have also not always given it my full attention. I don’t want to experience the disappointment of failure again. Each time I lose weight I gain back even more and I gain it back faster than I lost it. There is a lot at stake here and I find myself discouraged every day by the long road ahead of me. I think I knew this day was coming. I have run out of choices and I need to take responsibility.

Contemplation on Writing and Motivation

I want to be a writer. I consider myself a writer. I occasionally write. I write for my job. I write wonderful letters and emails to friends. I like to set pen to paper and fingers to keyboard. So, why then do I appear to lack the motivation to sit down and put myself to the task of writing?
My first excuse - I read too much. Sometimes when I get lost in a book or even just contemplate a great paragraph I find myself thinking – why should I bother? There are already a number of fantastic writers out in the world who are combining words into magical phrases that depict amazing inner lives, expansive scenery, or vistas of their imagination. What could I possibly contribute that would be more meaningful than what has already been written?
As I write this I already start to answer my own questions. Sting once said about his music, that it wasn’t the awards or his bestselling albums or any other accolades, it was about the process. The process of writing needs to be the final goal or I will get too caught up in wondering if anyone will ever want to read a word of what I want to say. In a way, it is like knitting socks. There are wonderful socks that can be bought at less cost that it takes to make them, but knitting is about the process. The sitting, the doing, the taking time to be mindful of the stitch and the pattern are about the process. I don’t allow myself to get too caught up in comparing my items to other more talented knitters or else I would begin to deprive myself of the great joy of touching yarn and needle. Writing gives me the same joy when I am mindful of the process rather than the final product.
Another excuse – I think that in order to write properly that I must schedule myself to write at a certain time of day and stick to it like a discipline. I lack discipline. This can be noted in so many aspects of my life. If I had discipline I would be skinnier, I would be healthier, I would have published, I would be a better cello player and weaver.
A very good friend of mine reminded me that I have been disciplined when it really mattered and discipline is what helped me get my degree and move into a career that I really love. The wonderful diversity of my interests is what keeps me from becoming really great at just one. I am a true jack of all trades but master of none. I am easily distracted by the shiny objects of the universe. I want to try everything even if just for a minute. I flit from thing to thing and take great joy in the moment of playing cello, doing yoga, sitting at the loom, reading poetry, hiking, and writing. But I get so overwhelmed by all of the possibilities of life and my own lack of focus on doing just one thing that sometimes I just take a nap and dream about all of the possibilities or spend valuable time contemplating my lack of discipline. Giving my self a break would probably be a good starting point.
I don’t like setting myself up with New Year’s resolutions that are forgotten by Ground Hog’s Day. So I am taking a different tack at this. I will post to my blog when I have something to say that I am interested in saying. I won’t worry if people are interested in hearing it or not. I will write for the pure joy of writing. I know this will spill over into the novel I am writing and that will be a good thing.
There are characters in my head that are just screaming for attention and I can start letting them out one by one or “bird by bird” as Annie Lamott says. I don’t have to follow chapter one with chapter two. I can give myself permission to write a series of vignettes which will fall into some sort of order at a later date. The characters can dictate what is being told and when. I need to listen to them. It is their story, not mine.
It is not easy being a split personality – being divided between a Type A and a Type C. In order to do anything at all I need to convince the Type A part of me that the finished product is not the goal and the Type C part of me that the process needs to be attended to. I need to just “be.”