Calming the Committee

For various reasons, I learned very early that my mind is a pretty scary place to hang out. Not that I hear voices or see things or talk to dead people (not on a regular basis that is), but that I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to either dwelling on the past and/or fretting about the future. Anxiety occurred pre-puberty and has lasted well into adulthood.
When I was a teenager I discovered that alcohol and sometimes marijuana lessened that for me. It would calm me down long enough to slow down all the pinging and zapping and internal slapping that was going on. I didn’t drink much through my marriage but when things were really falling apart at the end I started a fifteen year binge in order to drown out everything that had gone wrong. Then I woke up.
My goal for the past ten years has been to find and use ways to calm down all that static. It hasn’t been easy. I didn’t need just one thing. I needed a whole tool box, somedays I even needed a full storage shed of things to shut down the committee that resides in my head. Here is what I have found:
1. Walking – particularly in the woods by myself. I love the smells, the sounds, the light dancing through the leaves of the trees. I feel at peace.
2. Playing music – whether I am playing drums, piano or my cello, I am transported outside of myself and by concentrating on the music I can bring that committee into harmony.
3. Knitting – it is a process for me. It is rarely about the finished product. Keeping my hands busy slows down my thoughts.
4. Painting, drawing, or other artwork – most recently I have found a book on coloring mandalas. I have set up the table with copies of the mandalas and my little basket of colored pencils and I will spend about a half hour a day coloring. Often it is even longer as I lose track of time easily when I am working on color blending.
5. Writing – either for this blog or other essays or the novel. It gets me out of myself and maybe even into the mind of a character I have made up. I can channel my own anxieties and fears in to my characters and sometimes even be able to leave those feelings there.
6. Yoga and other exercise - reminds me that I have a body and that when my body feels strong and pain free it is easier for me to be relaxed and happy.
7. Traditional mindfulness meditation – sometimes I chant, sometimes I am able to just sit and concentrate on my breath or an object. This works best after having done one of the above. My mind already needs to have started to slow down. I can’t go from 100 to zero without taking the time to slow things down gradually.
I hope you enjoy these mandalas. I make copies out of the coloring book onto heavier paper and then color. That way I can color the same mandala again in the future and use different color combinations. I included a picture of the book cover in case this is something you would be interest in.
Namaste!

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Knitting Disorders

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Knitting Disorders (DSKM) is the standard classification of knitting disorders used by knitting group members in the United States. It is intended to be applicable in a wide array of contexts and used by knitters and other handcrafters of many different orientations (e.g., crochet, weaving, spinning, raising animals for wool, etc). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Knitting Disorders, (DSMKD) has been designed for use across various settings (urban, rural, workshop, bookstores, yarn stores, public parks, etc), with community populations. It can be used by a wide range of individuals, including store owners, guild facilitators and caring family members. It is also a necessary tool for collecting and communicating accurate public health statistics about this growing epidemic (primarily in the Northeast area of the United States.

Narcissistic Knitting Disorder –

1. knits only for self,

2. does not see others as knit-worthy,

3. others are seen only as valuable if they are willing to give her part of their yarn stash.

Obsessive Compulsive Knitter – all knitters have this diagnosis but may be differentiated into the following subcategories:

· Obsessive perfectionist with ripping tendencies:

o Rips out perfectly good sections of sweaters due to small mistakes

o Cannot sleep unless the garment is unraveled and started over at least 5- times

o When seeing someone else continuing to knit past a mistake, the OP with RT will have hallucinations of seizing the garment and unraveling it in the presence of the non-OP w/RT knitter while screaming obscenities

· Obsessive Self Flagellator –

o Knitter who makes mistakes, does not rip them out and feels obsessively compelled to point out the mistakes to other even if the other people are unable to detect the mistake.

· Obsessive Mistake Voyeur –

o Knitter who notices other knitter’s mistakes and feels obsessively compelled to point out the mistakes to other even if the other people are unable to detect the mistake.

o Lonely and without knitting friends, usually feels abandoned and has to purchase yarn via on-line stores.

Crazy Crafting Disorder – may fall into one or all of the following categories

o All family members have sweaters with small animals, pompoms or Holiday ornaments hanging from them.

o Can be seen walking small animals wearing handknit sweaters to make them look like an animal other than their own species.

o Can be found at Holiday craft shows selling knitted tissue paper boxes, cell phone covers, cute little animals and head bands.

Yarn Store Voyeurism (also known as Yarnophile) –

• All family vacation routes are planned according to location of yarn stores
• Travel may be delayed for hours if a unmarked yarn store is seen
• May put family at risk for car accident if knitter is driving and she sees someone selling a stash of yarn at a yarn sale
• If lost, family or friends may find her quietly fondling a bin of yarn - usually mohair, cashmere or baby alpaca.

Bipolar Stash Disorder

• Cycles rapidly between mania and depression when viewing the stash of yarn and old knitting magazines, patterns and books.
• When stash becomes unmanageable will give away large amounts of yarn and then in a state of confusion and anxiety until the next Web’s sale.
• Has threatened to end or has ended relationships when it has been suggested that she decrease the size of the stash.

Delayed Gratification Disorder

• Unable to finish projects – includes one or the following variations
• Second Sock syndrome – has a drawer full of single socks and partially finished second socks. May wear non-matching socks and insist that this is the way she meant it.
• Short Second Sock syndrome – the second sock of the pair is usually shorter than the first due to the inability to maintain attention and the desire to move on with her life.
• Show Off Sock Syndrome – knits both socks at the same time on one or two circular needles. Insists on showing everyone and calls herself a Knitting Rock Star. The socks still don’t fit anyone but they are the same size and completed at the same time.
• Forgets to put thumb in mittens and needs to back up or start again.

Multiple Personality Knitting Disorder

• Has a number of projects going at one time (may be due to delayed gratification disorder or Knitter’s Attention Deficit Disorder) but if the knitter has an arousal response to the number of projects or needs to have at least two travel projects, one or two meeting projects and a television watching project – then it may be MPKD.
• Often finds unfinished projects when moving or cleaning house
• Insists on making complicated knitting projects for events – weddings, new babies, funerals, Bar Mitzvahs, graduations and all holidays including small flags for 4^th of July picnics.
• This disorder may develop into an Evil Personality Knitter’s Disorder as deadlines approach.

Evil Personality Knitter’s Disorder

• Insists that every family member has a handmade knitted item for Christmas or Hanukkah and, if anyone complains, she knits them something truly hideous for the next holiday.
• Asks the recipient each time she sees them if they like the item they were given.
• Disregards people’s color requests
• Totally ignores family's needs as deadlines approach and has been known to let family and pets starve for lack of groceries.
  

Attention Deficit Knitting Disorder

• May be also diagnosed as MPKD or DGD but also includes:
• Stays up late to view Ravelry, Knitty, Knit Picks and other websites
• Veers off of road at the spotting of a yarn store
• Has a glazed look on her face during a Web’s Store Sale Event and may need to be led out of the store – can be heard muttering “So soft, so pretty, so soft, so pretty.” (this may be a precursor to Knitting Psychosis)
• Initially learned to knit and then proceeded to spin, dye and weave. May also lead to owning multiple wool-bearing animals including but not limited to: alpacas, sheep, angora rabbits, goats, and long haired cats and dogs.

Knitting Psychosis

See third item under ADKD. This may develop into Knitting Psychosis. Symptoms include:

• Insomnia – staying up late to knit and watching infomercials at 3 a.m. Partner or children will usually find her in the morning drinking copious amounts of caffeine and muttering “knit on, Purl two, Yarn over”
• Agitation that develops into aggression and possible homicidal tendencies at yarn sales. Has been known to stab other shoppers with needles or trip someone who gets in her way on the way to the worsted wall. May even spill beads on the floor to disable other shoppers.
• Insists that her pets like being dressed up like dinosaurs or rabbits and says that they even told her so.
• Is rarely seen at knitting guild meetings for fear of being caught talking to the voices in her head that are telling her acrylic is evil and to poke out the eye of anyone who is knitting with man made fibers in public.

This list is non-conclusive. More editions will be made available as more research is compiled.



Happy Knitting!!!

Recovery from Toxic Job Syndrome - The Healing Continues

It’s Sunday morning and I have done a half hour of yoga followed by a 25 minute walk in the heat. I feel strong. I feel healthy. I am sweating but it feels great.
One year ago I could barely move on the weekend and my energy for work ran out by mid Wednesday afternoon. Five months ago I had a primary care physician tell I needed to go to a therapist to discuss my depression. I couldn’t get it across to her that I was depressed because I didn’t feel well. She thought all my aches and pains were the result of my depression.
I have to admit that she may have been right about the aches and pains being a part of the depression– but only because with a little adjustment through the use of supplements to get my dopamine to a normal level and to get more Vitamins B and D in my system I now have the energy to get through the week and have fun on the weekend. My problem now is choosing from all the activities I love rather than trying to fit in a nap.
I went to see a nutritionist this week. I have to admit that this was done with some resistance but since Dr. Jane had suggested it, I agreed. At this point she could ask me to swim the English Channel and I would go out and buy a wet suit.
Dr. Jane had already gone over a food plan with me and wanted me to sit with the nutritionist to work out ways that it could fit in my lifestyle. However, before going to the nutritionist I did the following:
1. Looked at the food plan to see how it was divided among the food groups and made a grocery list of foods I like that fit into those categories. I paid special attention to the protein as I am a vegetarian and wanted to make sure I have enough. As pre-diabetic (insulin resistant) I have to make sure I have a proper balance of protein to carbs. I have decided to be more of a piscetarian and include fish. I have to have that protein. If I was a vegan I would be in big trouble. I love eggs but have switched to egg beater type products because I don’t want all that cholesterol and hate the idea of sending yolks down the drain. I have replaced most of my cheese with a soy based substitute. Not the best, but it works for omelets.
2. I have started collecting good recipes and even made up my own for an edamame salad. The grocery store was selling the salad in the deli, but I decided to make my own.
3. I bought new dishes. My regular dishes are huge. They are the type that farm breakfasts would be served on. The cereal bowls hold at least 4 cups and my serving of berries looked very small. So I went to Things Are Cookin’ here in Concord, NH and bought a couple of lovely dishes to enjoy my meals. The bowl holds one cup of berries which makes it so much easier to dish out a proper serving with a little yogurt on top.

I was expecting to be with the nutritionist for an hour and a half, but once she saw how much I had already done she had very little left to do. I was also very happy to find out that she is also a recovering binge eater and had once been five sizes larger than she is now. I have been to nutritionists before who were obviously little micro machine women who had maybe had to deal with losing five pounds and were very controlling in trying to get me to stick to a diet. This nutritionist said “I don’t make you keep records. I don’t make you count points. I don’t make you count calories. Those things only increase the obsession with the food. By figuring out which foods to eat and how to spread them throughout the day you just take the counting and guess work out.” I relaxed. She also gave me a good hint about protein. If I switch to Greek style yogurt then it qualifies as a protein rather than a dairy. A little more expensive but well worth it.
I have been on every diet out there and most of them made me nuts. Food ended up being an all consuming obsession. Now I have food to eat that is healthy and I eat at regular intervals without obsessing in between. What a concept!! And I am learning to catch myself when I am hungry and say “how do I want to nourish myself?” rather than “how do I want to fill the hole?”
Exercise is getting to be more and more enjoyable each day. I am doing a good yoga stretch before each walk and that helps me feel looser and stronger when I walk.
I feel like I have found myself again. I am convinced that after losing all my parental figures in a two year period and then working at a stressful job in a toxic environment for four years I had worn myself out and just couldn’t get it back without the right kind of help. Stress contributes to most illnesses and my immune system had reached the point that it needed some assistance. I would try to exercise but then be out for the count for days afterward. I had gained 80 pounds in the last three years at that job. I wanted more out of life and it took leaving for a new job that fits my personality and skills to be able to start on the road to recovery.
I would like to encourage everyone to be very persistent about receiving good health care, also. I first found out about Dr. Jane last fall and it was an eight month wait to see her. At times I was ready to throw my hands up and just let myself fall into complete disrepair and despair. However, after being under Dr. Jane’s care for two months, finding out my body (organs and skeleton) is structurally sound, and participating fully in my own care, I now am feeling so much better.
This past week my friend, Darcy, asked me how I was feeling. I said “Great!” She was surprised. She said it had been a long time since she had heard me say I was feeling well and it felt good to know that I really did feel great.
Here is the Edamame Salad recipe:
2 Cloves of Garlic – minced – more or less depending on your love for garlic
Half of a yellow onion – chopped finely
1 small can of corn niblets
1 can of black beans – rinsed
8 ounces of edamame (soy beans)
1 half of a red bell pepper chopped finely (you could use green pepper – but I am not fond of green peppers)
Mix it all together and add Italian Vinaigrette Dressing to taste. I used Marie’s All Natural Italian Vinaigrette because it is low in sugar and carbs and is made with extra virgin olive oil.
Let it all marinate for a few hours and enjoy. The edamame is a great source of protein and the garlic gives it a little kick that wasn’t in the store deli salad.

Monday night the local Farmer’s Market is opening. I can’t wait. I hope to have pictures and stories and recipes to share.

The Road to Healing Continues

The past couple of weeks have been crazy!! After the Memorial Day Weekend debacle of having a mini-stroke I was feeling a little weary and cautious of more medical tests. However, I have made this commitment to participate in my health care so I went back to my primary care office to have a follow up as soon as the weekend was over. The effects of the catheterization and the TIA seemed to have dissipated but the determination was made that my blood pressure was running moderately high and I should have my carotid arteries checked out to make sure there was no plaque built up that could break off and cause another incident.
I am now on a diuretic for the blood pressure. That makes life interesting. Especially since I drive all over the state visiting domestic violence programs about four days a week. I have a pretty good idea where all the clean gas stations are (Irving and Dunkin Donuts have the best) and I can pace myself pretty well. Fortunately, the other day I made a quick stop before I arrived at a program. The first words out of Joyce’s mouth when I walked in the door were “Did you PEE?!!!” Not “Hi” or “How are ya?” but “Did you Pee?” They had bug bombed the shelter and the bathroom would not be accessible for another hour and they wanted to make sure I was all set. I laughed so hard I almost had to pee! Poor Joyce. She will never live it down.
I had an ultrasound on my carotid arteries last Thursday. That was my favorite procedure. No cutting, no drugs, didn’t even have to take off my clothes.
Yesterday I went to see my naturopath M.D., Dr. Jane. Usually I hate going to the doctor because the first thing they do is make you get on the metal machine of disappointment and regret – the scale. However, I had lost nine!! pounds in the past month. And I know four of those were before I started the diuretic.
Last month, Dr. Jane had put me on a supplement produced by Thorne called DL-Phenylalanine. She had told me it was to increase my dopamine levels but she had not told me that it was the magic pill I had been looking for all my life. It has stopped my sugar and chocolate cravings. I even turned down the free donut on “Free Donut” day at Dunkin’s AND I sat next to a box of Munchkins during a meeting and did not dive in. Dr. Jane had not mentioned this side effect to me because she is a researcher and didn’t want to influence my thinking. Well, butter my buns and call me a lean biscuit. I love it!!
We also went over all the tests for the past weeks and my heart is clear and healthy and my carotids are clear. The TIA was most likely caused by a clot that was created during the catheterization and as Dr. Jane put it, “there are hopefully no more boogers floating around in there to cause any more problems.”
After donating a lot of bodily fluids for testing I have now found out that my fatigue is caused by B12 and Vitamin D deficiency – both are supplements I take regularly but not enough – and adrenal fatigue caused by long term stress. Dr. Jane put it very medically when she said “your adrenals are pooped.”
I am now on a regimen of supplements along with a food plan to address my insulin resistance (precursor to diabetes), exercise, meditation, yoga and just plain good living. Before, when a doctor would mention a dietician or a meal plan to me, I would tear up and have a temper tantrum because I knew I would fail. However, with this help with the sugar cravings and having the sense that I have a medical team that listens and supports me, I feel that I can participate fully in my self care.
My spiritual practice is also a large part of this for me. As someone who considers herself a Buddhist I try to incorporate the practice into my daily life. A few weeks ago, even before all of this started, I found information on the Medicine Buddha. I have started chanting daily and included this chanting in my healing process after the catheterization. Last Saturday I attended an empowerment ceremony in New Bedford, MA where I learned more about the Medicine Buddha and received the blessing. In Buddhism it is believed that any benefit we seek for ourselves is also sought for all other living beings. It is my hope that my healing will affect others. I don’t even have to have the healing of the body. I am grateful for healing of attitudes and attachment to the things that make me suffer. How I respond to life is infinitely more important than what life hands me.
I am so grateful for having this opportunity to post on this blog. It keeps me motivated and is also a means of accountability. Given the great support I have with friends and family and my new doctors I am feeling that good things are happening.