Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Knitting Disorders

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Knitting Disorders (DSKM) is the standard classification of knitting disorders used by knitting group members in the United States. It is intended to be applicable in a wide array of contexts and used by knitters and other handcrafters of many different orientations (e.g., crochet, weaving, spinning, raising animals for wool, etc). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Knitting Disorders, (DSMKD) has been designed for use across various settings (urban, rural, workshop, bookstores, yarn stores, public parks, etc), with community populations. It can be used by a wide range of individuals, including store owners, guild facilitators and caring family members. It is also a necessary tool for collecting and communicating accurate public health statistics about this growing epidemic (primarily in the Northeast area of the United States.

Narcissistic Knitting Disorder –

1. knits only for self,

2. does not see others as knit-worthy,

3. others are seen only as valuable if they are willing to give her part of their yarn stash.

Obsessive Compulsive Knitter – all knitters have this diagnosis but may be differentiated into the following subcategories:

· Obsessive perfectionist with ripping tendencies:

o Rips out perfectly good sections of sweaters due to small mistakes

o Cannot sleep unless the garment is unraveled and started over at least 5- times

o When seeing someone else continuing to knit past a mistake, the OP with RT will have hallucinations of seizing the garment and unraveling it in the presence of the non-OP w/RT knitter while screaming obscenities

· Obsessive Self Flagellator –

o Knitter who makes mistakes, does not rip them out and feels obsessively compelled to point out the mistakes to other even if the other people are unable to detect the mistake.

· Obsessive Mistake Voyeur –

o Knitter who notices other knitter’s mistakes and feels obsessively compelled to point out the mistakes to other even if the other people are unable to detect the mistake.

o Lonely and without knitting friends, usually feels abandoned and has to purchase yarn via on-line stores.

Crazy Crafting Disorder – may fall into one or all of the following categories

o All family members have sweaters with small animals, pompoms or Holiday ornaments hanging from them.

o Can be seen walking small animals wearing handknit sweaters to make them look like an animal other than their own species.

o Can be found at Holiday craft shows selling knitted tissue paper boxes, cell phone covers, cute little animals and head bands.

Yarn Store Voyeurism (also known as Yarnophile) –

• All family vacation routes are planned according to location of yarn stores
• Travel may be delayed for hours if a unmarked yarn store is seen
• May put family at risk for car accident if knitter is driving and she sees someone selling a stash of yarn at a yarn sale
• If lost, family or friends may find her quietly fondling a bin of yarn - usually mohair, cashmere or baby alpaca.

Bipolar Stash Disorder

• Cycles rapidly between mania and depression when viewing the stash of yarn and old knitting magazines, patterns and books.
• When stash becomes unmanageable will give away large amounts of yarn and then in a state of confusion and anxiety until the next Web’s sale.
• Has threatened to end or has ended relationships when it has been suggested that she decrease the size of the stash.

Delayed Gratification Disorder

• Unable to finish projects – includes one or the following variations
• Second Sock syndrome – has a drawer full of single socks and partially finished second socks. May wear non-matching socks and insist that this is the way she meant it.
• Short Second Sock syndrome – the second sock of the pair is usually shorter than the first due to the inability to maintain attention and the desire to move on with her life.
• Show Off Sock Syndrome – knits both socks at the same time on one or two circular needles. Insists on showing everyone and calls herself a Knitting Rock Star. The socks still don’t fit anyone but they are the same size and completed at the same time.
• Forgets to put thumb in mittens and needs to back up or start again.

Multiple Personality Knitting Disorder

• Has a number of projects going at one time (may be due to delayed gratification disorder or Knitter’s Attention Deficit Disorder) but if the knitter has an arousal response to the number of projects or needs to have at least two travel projects, one or two meeting projects and a television watching project – then it may be MPKD.
• Often finds unfinished projects when moving or cleaning house
• Insists on making complicated knitting projects for events – weddings, new babies, funerals, Bar Mitzvahs, graduations and all holidays including small flags for 4^th of July picnics.
• This disorder may develop into an Evil Personality Knitter’s Disorder as deadlines approach.

Evil Personality Knitter’s Disorder

• Insists that every family member has a handmade knitted item for Christmas or Hanukkah and, if anyone complains, she knits them something truly hideous for the next holiday.
• Asks the recipient each time she sees them if they like the item they were given.
• Disregards people’s color requests
• Totally ignores family's needs as deadlines approach and has been known to let family and pets starve for lack of groceries.
  

Attention Deficit Knitting Disorder

• May be also diagnosed as MPKD or DGD but also includes:
• Stays up late to view Ravelry, Knitty, Knit Picks and other websites
• Veers off of road at the spotting of a yarn store
• Has a glazed look on her face during a Web’s Store Sale Event and may need to be led out of the store – can be heard muttering “So soft, so pretty, so soft, so pretty.” (this may be a precursor to Knitting Psychosis)
• Initially learned to knit and then proceeded to spin, dye and weave. May also lead to owning multiple wool-bearing animals including but not limited to: alpacas, sheep, angora rabbits, goats, and long haired cats and dogs.

Knitting Psychosis

See third item under ADKD. This may develop into Knitting Psychosis. Symptoms include:

• Insomnia – staying up late to knit and watching infomercials at 3 a.m. Partner or children will usually find her in the morning drinking copious amounts of caffeine and muttering “knit on, Purl two, Yarn over”
• Agitation that develops into aggression and possible homicidal tendencies at yarn sales. Has been known to stab other shoppers with needles or trip someone who gets in her way on the way to the worsted wall. May even spill beads on the floor to disable other shoppers.
• Insists that her pets like being dressed up like dinosaurs or rabbits and says that they even told her so.
• Is rarely seen at knitting guild meetings for fear of being caught talking to the voices in her head that are telling her acrylic is evil and to poke out the eye of anyone who is knitting with man made fibers in public.

This list is non-conclusive. More editions will be made available as more research is compiled.



Happy Knitting!!!