A Gift for This Cynic

I spent two days with my friends, Joyce and Roland, at their wonderful home on a mountain in Maine. I was encouraged to spend my time in any way that helped me to relax, so I spent a lot of time reading, knitting, and drawing and talking to Joyce. I also ate very well and had a great foot massage by their dog, Maisie. I was nourished in body and spirit by friendship and nature. I was able to rest with no expectations.

The one thing that had the greatest impact on me, though, had nothing to do with the gold finches and hummingbirds, the wonderful soup and garden veggies, the conversations, sunsets, and watching a summer shower move in over the Mount Washington Valley. It had to do with witnessing a marriage that truly works and realizing that there is more to being a couple than pain and heartache.

Given my history and the work that I do, I have developed a cynicism towards marriage. I have seen and heard the worse. I have known men who cheated, who lied, who hurt their wives physically and emotionally, and left their children with emotional scars that last long into adulthood. I have heard stories of women who beat their children and dared them to cry, who left them with neighbors and never returned. I tend to see too much of the dark side.

I was given a gift yesterday that broke through my cynicism and is helping me to see the world in a different way.

Longfellow, Joyce and Roland’s dog, has been taking prednisone for a couple of weeks due to a problem with one of his ears. The prednisone has been working like a diuretic and made it critical that he be taken out at regular intervals. However, yesterday afternoon, after Joyce and I had done a little shopping and Roland had finished putting in a beautiful rose garden, there had been a delay in getting Longfellow out to do his business. Joyce discovered wet spots on two rugs and the bare floor.

It is important to understand that I have vivid memories of my two poodles being hit and screamed at by my father when they had chewed on the corner of the television set. I was crying, my sister was crying, the dogs were whining, and the dogs were sent back to the aunt who had given them to me within a few days. I also remember my ex-husband kicking our dog, Joey, on more than one occasion. I have a history of being frightened by men’s anger and I am easily triggered when there is a possibility that this may occur.

So when I heard that Longfellow had wet the floor, I had a small surge of adrenalin. Now I have to say that Roland has never given me any sign that there is a bad temper lurking beneath his calm Lutheran pastor exterior. I have never seen anything but serenity and peace in that man. However, I felt myself tense up. Then I saw a wonderful thing happen. Both Joyce and Roland treated Longfellow with love, apologized for failing to meet his needs, and they worked as a team to promptly clean up the mess without blaming each other for the incident.

Joyce had told me earlier that day that the reason that she married Roland forty-four years ago this coming month was because she knew that this was a man with whom she would always feel safe. I believe that he has fulfilled that promise each day since then. I also am reminded that there are indeed men who do not need to use anger to exert control, who share responsibility, and who cherish those people, animals, and gardens that are in their care.

Thank you, my friends, for the gift of seeing another way of being and healing a piece of my spirit.