I have been working in the fields of domestic violence and substance abuse for almost 17 years and studying Buddhism for around seven years. Some people tell me that I have been a blessing to them and others commend me for the work I do. That is wonderful; however, I want people to know that I have grown and learned more about myself through this career and Buddhist teachings than I ever would have by anything else. I am the one who has been blessed.
Most recently, I learned what to do with guilt. You know the kind - the wouldas, the couldas, the shouldas. Those little guilt gremlins (not the cute ones) kept me up at night by diving off the headboard and pulling at my hair and toes. “Why didn’t you do this? Why didn’t you handle that better? What were you thinking?” Sheesh. And there were plenty of people in my life that were willing to jump on the bandwagon of disapproval and give those gremlins a big can of Red Bull or a few shots of 5 Hour Energy.
Then one day, I slowed down and sobered up long enough to really think this all through. I realized I was judging my past self based on my present self. I was looking at the 19 year old me, the 27 year old me, the 32 year old me, and judging her as if I expected her to have all the knowledge and maturity (don’t laugh. I do have a few mature bones in my body) that I have today. I realized that I was doing the best that I could at the time with the information and skills I had and that, yes, if I had known then what I know now I would have done things differently, but I didn’t. I cut myself a break. A big one. I let it go and I feel a ton lighter. Those little gremlins jump off the headboard now and then at 3:00 in the morning, but I am better about chasing them away and getting right back to sleep.
I learned this from other women. This is the type of thing that, after listening to women berate their selves for what they should have done, I sit back and tell them that they did the best that they could at the time. And I watch the shoulders relax and the relief come over their faces and I realize that I made sense and that I should take my own advice.
I have also learned that anxiety comes from letting the mind spend too much time reliving the past or worrying about the future. Everyone who talks to me about their anxiety is not in the moment when they are anxious. That is why mindfulness meditation and yoga are so wonderful for anxiety. It brings you back to the present moment in which there is nothing else going on except the movement and the breathing, even if only for a few seconds. And, over time we learn to control our mind so we can stay in the moment for longer periods of time. How cool is that?
The third important thing I have learned is that life happens. A Buddhist master once said that life is like standing on the edge of the shore and getting hit by a big wave and getting slammed face down into the sand. Eventually, we stand up, have a few moments of peace and looking at the sunset, but then another wave will come along. We aren’t being punished. That is just the way it is. Do we want to spend our time between the waves complaining and moaning about having sand in our shorts or do we want to enjoy that sunset, get our breath and be grateful that we get a breather? I am choosing to enjoy those times between the waves and saving my energy for when the next wave hits. Anyone want to join me?
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